You can rest easy, one day this unnamed fear will leave you still standing there
Written at 9:05 a.m. on Wednesday, May. 21, 2003
I dont know what happened to me. I just freaked.
That's so very unlike me to do something like that. I'm usually more mild mannered and restrained than that. He just got to a part of me that had never been tapped before.
We talked a little about it this morning. I feel up against a wall about it all. I feel so trapped somewhere that I just dont want to be at right now.
We're both wanting two seperate things from each other and they arent meshing well together. He wants it his way and I'm willing to bend a little on what I want. But I can only bend so far for so long.
We both agree that we should probably take a break right now. Its all the little fine details that need to be worked out which are making this hard for both of us.
He told me this morning that he doesnt want to see anyone else at this point...but doesnt want me to see anyone either. That takes us back to square one. We're making absolutely no progress here. None whatsoever!
Dont you see, Tracey...what I want and what I think should happen are two seperate things. What I do see, is that it shouldnt be this damn hard.
I think he's bothered by the fact that I told him if we arent together, I dont want to be his friend. I know that's harsh, but I cant do it. I have made that transition with him too many times already. And each one has taken a little bit more from me. I think its easier that way...at least on me it is.
He's really hurt by that. He doesnt understand why I wouldnt want to still be his friend. I just dont have it in me. I used to, but I dont anymore.
Maybe I've become a victim of circumstance as well. I do know that every person that I have been with has come along and left with a piece of me. Leaving less and less behind for the next person. Maybe I'm an empty shell just like he is. And one thing I've learned is two halves dont make a whole...its takes two whole people to make a relationship. And we just arent those two wholes.
The living situation is what has me worried. Neither one of us wants to move again. I know I'm damn tired of it. It was only a year ago that I moved in there. But I'm willing to if I have to.
The conversation kind of went unfinished because I had to leave for work. I was already 20 mins late yesterday because we were arguing. But we said that we'd finish it tonight.
I think I'm alright with whatever happens. For once, I'm not just telling myself that lie to make it easier. I really believe that its going to be alright.
I dont forsee us standing the test of time and weathering the storms. I see us going our own seperate ways and rebuilding again. That's fine. I've done it before, I can do it again.
Every now and then, I flip back to old entries. Its kind of enlightening to say the least. One thing I've learned about myself is that when a relationship is ending, I tend to feel like its the end of the world...but sure enough, I somehow get through it. This will prove to be no different.