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I will always have your back and be curious about you...your career, your whereabouts
Written at 11:09 a.m. on Thursday, May. 29, 2003

Ok, that was just weird...

I was sitting here at work and answered the phone. I heard What are you wearing? And I thought to myself how I should really recognize that voice. And when I did recognize it, I thought how it absolutely couldnt be who I thought it was. But alas, I was wrong...it was.

It was "MrApronStrings".

He was someone that I was with for 6 years. We've been split up now for 3 years and we havent talked in about a year. But he called out of the blue this morning.

Talking to him drudged up so much. He asked if I was married to "MrBigDaddy" yet. Negative. I did tell him that we are living together though. They always liked each other. And despite all of this...they still do.

I knew that he got married about a year ago. He also said that he lives up in the mountains with his wife and two step-children. I wanted to talk about what he's been up to and how he's doing...he wanted to take my hand and take a walk down memory lane. I'd rather not. There's just too much there that I want to forget about. I've already blocked out so much.

I told him that I cant remember what I did on my 21st birthday and asked him if he remembers. He doesnt remember what happened, but he knows that we were together.

I know for the longest time I blamed him for everything that went wrong. But then I realized that it was just the wrong time in my life to have been with him. And oddly enough, he said the same thing today. He realized that I was young (15 years younger than him) and I hadnt gone through the part of life that I needed to. I hadnt been through the partying stage. Been through it...I hadnt even started it.

I reminded him about the time he said One day you're going to look back and realize that I robbed you of your prime years. For the longest time I thought just that. I was thrown into the wife role at 19. I was so young. I look at someone who's 19 now and see a baby. Definitely too young to be living with a 34 year old man.

Its amazing how hatred goes away. I hated him for the longest time. Mostly because when we finally split, I had no idea what to do. I had no idea who I was because I lost so much of my individuality when we were together. I had never been entirely on my own before and was petrified to stand on my own.

Its still so weird to have talked to him. I have no anger or ill-will towards him anymore. I want to be his friend. It turned out this way for a reason. And he's right...I had alot of growing up to do. I still do.

But I look back at the person that I am now and why I am the way that I am regarding certain things and it makes me automatically think of him. He had alot to do with it.

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