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I've said all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I dont know why
Written at 8:47 a.m. on Friday, May. 30, 2003

I am running away from home. Yes, that's right...I'm 27 years old and I'm running away from home.

My cup has reached its limit. I just cant deal with it. I feel like I'm slipping farther and farther away from my sanity by the second. I really hate complaining about it. I feel like I'm always complaining about something here. But then I realized that I can do that. I'm writing here for me, no one else.

Yesterday during my lunch, I went grocery shopping. I stocked up on stuff to drink for the night. First thing I did when I walked in the door last night was mix up Margueritas. Five glasses of that, two butter shots and three Coors lights later...I was feeling great.

That is until I woke up this morning...

And its not because of a hangover. I physically felt fine. Except for the nauseau I felt every time I looked at him. Sometimes he makes me sick to look at.

I woke up at 5 and noticed I was sleeping alone. I hate that. I figured he had fallen asleep on the sofa since that's where I left him at and he was falling asleep then. But no. I walked into his room and found him sleeping on the sofa in there. I woke him up and asked if he was coming in. Be there in two minutes. Two hours later...nothing.

I got up and got into the shower. When I came out, I heard him on the phone. Yesterday, his ex (the one that took off with the kids) called him. She still didnt let him talk to the kids. But this morning when she called again, she let him talk to one of them.

If you any opinion of me other than being a selfish should probably stop reading here. Because in about two seconds I'm going to sound just like that...a selfish bitch.

I've been with guys that have kids. Practically all of them have had kids. None of them have gotten under my skin as badly as him. He comes with too much baby's-mama-drama. And maybe that does make me selfish because I should take the whole it comes. But I am slowly dying inside every day that I'm with him.

I realized that I could spend years with him. I could get past everything and be with him for a long time. But no matter how long that is, I will always be right here at this very point. We wont go anywhere here. It will always be the same. And I need more personal growth than that. I want to grow with someone. Not be emotionally stunted along side of them.

My plan this weekend is to go. Go where? Go anywhere. I'm going to play it by ear. I dont know where I'm going, but I sure know where I wont be. Last night, I made plans to hang out with "MsMoHoney" tonight when she gets home from work. I'm going to see if I can sleep on her sofa tonight. Then tomorrow, I'll figure that out when it comes.

I think a little time apart will do us both some good. Me, because it gives me a break. It gives me time to collect things and put it all together to where it makes sense. Him, because he'll see how it is to be alone. To come home to an empty house, to go to bed alone and wake up alone.

This isnt a game that I'm trying to play with him. I need to get away for a while. I'm sure this is going to infuriate him, but I'm doing this for me.

I need to step outside of myself and not be me for a day or two...


Horoscope for today~Virgo: The current aspect at play could reveal a flaw in an important and ongoing argument that you have been having with your loved one. It may not have been obvious to you that the way you have been perceiving certain facets of your relationship has been creating more problems than healing them. Today a minor argument could help you see it all in a new light. Fuck that!