Warning: Drunken rambling to follow.
I am feeling so good...and so bad...right now.
I came home from work and knocked on his door...
Me: Can you please do me a favor?
Him: What?
Me: Could you take care of my cat while I'm gone?
Him: Where are you going?
Me: Well, "MsMoHoney"'s tonight...then "MsTornado"'s tomorrow night.
Him: Why?
Me: Just need to sort some things out. (While thinking in my head "to get away from your sorry, committment phobic, trillion kids be having, peter pan, never growing up ASS!" But politely kept that to myself)
That then sparked a long conversation that pretty much made up my mind right then and there. Its ended. Finito! And you know, I'm still here...I'm still standing. Okay, well standing right now for me wouldnt neccessarily be a good thing.
But, no, we talked about things and he WILL be moving out next month. I sat there drunk as could be, yet had a perfect moment of clarity. Everything got so clear and I realized that I'm going to amount better. This time I had that little man at the intersection telling me which way to go. And I trust him.
I sat there and saw my life being so much better without him. I can be so much better without him. When people ask me what's the most important quality I look for in a man, my answer isnt humor...or eyes...its AMBITION. I want to be with someone that might not ever become more than they are, yet they continue to strive for more anyway. They might not be able to grab that brass ring, but will continue to try. And he just doesnt have that in him.
I want more than that. I will have more than that. And I realize now, he wont be in that picture. Its a 4X6 picture and there's only enough room in there for me. Focusing on me now.
He said (as a joke, I hope) that he was going to rent a room from someone in the ghetto while selling drugs and spending his days drinking beer. The only thing I could say is Way to make something of yourself. Hope that dream comes true for you. LOSER! He just glows with ambition.
Maybe its the cloud of alcohol that I'm standing under, but this doesnt really hurt that badly. I am stronger than this. I have pulled through worse than this before. I will do it again. I come from a long line of incredibly strong women who have went through alot worse than this. Its time to put that chromosome to the test.
Does this make sense to anyone.
Him: You want to leave to sort things out. You should really see a therapist. I mean really.
Me: Well, actually, I saw her today and she thinks its a good idea.
Him: You saw a therapist? I dont want to be with anyone who sees a therapist.
Yeah, because we see what kind of failed science project he is. He's the cheese that got a little too moldy. Then started to smell badly. This mouse doesnt want that cheese (hi ho that dario).
So with this madness, I will leave you with a few of my words...a poem I wrote to him.
Does the heart have the strength to love to its fullest capacity
Untrained, restrained I wish it not
I bared my soul to you like a helpless child
Seeking the acceptance of your tattered heart
I showed you the cracks in the seams
And the flaws like dents in my well worn armor
You say sins are only your own enemy
Not a burden to be carried by someone else
Unconditional is something you know not
You have never allowed your heart to breathe
It sat stifled away in a glass box
Put on display to see and not touch
I have relentlessly tried to touch your heart
But you coil up ready to strike at any attempt
Your words like poisonous venom
Slowly murdering my spirit
There is no justifiable excuse for your infliction
There is no anecdote for your infection
My will to love you dies steadily with every bite
Because your heart will never be content
Holding in only hatred and contempt
I walk away, my hands washed clean