This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
Written at 2:06 p.m. on Sunday, Jun. 01, 2003
I'm finally home...
This has felt like the longest weekend of my life. It has tried every ounce of my patience. And I think that I've passed.
Friday night I took off and went to "MsMoHoney"'s house to spend the night. I automatically woke up at 6 am because my body is set that way so that I can spend a few hours with him before he goes to sleep. When I woke up and realized that I wasnt at home and that he wouldnt be here, it hurt so badly.
I got up and went and drove down by the beach and then went to get my nails done. After that, I met back up with "MsMoHoney". We had to stop by her bank. Inside the line was long. We stood there talking and after a few minutes a nice guy in front of us started talking to us. He finished his banking with the teller beside us and made it a point to come over and say goodbye and wish me a good weekend. When we got outside, he was sitting in his SUV and he waved at us. I thought nothing of it and just waved back. She was telling me to go back and get his number, but me being as shy as I am...it didnt happen. So we got into the car and pulled out and so did he. One stoplight up, we went left and he went straight. He waved as he went by and I waved back. I'm wishing now that I had gotten his number. Part of me fears the rejection of him saying no...and the other part fears that he would've just ended up to be like every other guy I've ever dated before.
We headed to the movies from there. We saw Finding Nemo. It was so cute. Better than I thought it would be...a million times better. Either it was just that good or I was too emotional at the time, but I cried about four different times during the movie.
I ended up staying with "MsTornado" and her boyfriend last night. She was housesitting for "MsAngelic" while she's out of town, so I stayed on her sofa. By this time, I was mentally burnt out. I felt bad because I felt like I was intruding on their night together even though she told me a million times that I wasnt.
The worst part of this whole weekend was the homeless feeling that I had. At first, I joked about it. Then I started feeling like I did nine years ago when I moved out of my mother's house and had no where to go. It was the same feeling...living out of a dufflebag and sleeping at a different place every night. I wanted my bed in my house. But just like I felt nine years ago...I couldnt go home.
I came home this morning and figured he would be asleep, but when I walked in I found him in the dining room putting groceries away. I politely said hello and asked how his weekend was, how my cat was and all that stuff. Apparently, everything around here was fine without me.
I could tell he had been in my room. In a hurry I had left the drawers and cabinets opened and now they're shut. Upon further inspection, I noticed he had taken his vcr and dvd player out of there. I think he's just being spiteful there because he doesnt have tv in his room to hook them up to. I really dont like that he took it upon himself to come in and take them...even though they're his.
I FUCKING HATE THIS!
I hate this feeling and I'm starting to hate him. Every passing moment he's making it a little easier for me to walk away. It still hurts though. We have alot of history here...almost two years. I wanted him to wake up and realize what he's giving up here and how much he cares about me. But that's just in my head and that isnt going to happen here.
So here I am again, sitting in this lonely ass, quiet as can be house. I want to put on my running shoes, head out the front door and run as far as I can until I cant run anymore. I want to cry. I want to scream.
I want to be somewhere else...someone else.