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She left a note right by the phone, dont leave a message cuz this aint no home...and she cried and she cried and she cried and she cried, she cried so long her tears ran dry
Written at 9:33 a.m. on Monday, Jun. 02, 2003

I've officially lost it...

I was up last night until about 4 am. Not a good thing for me. I just keep reminding myself...pretty soon, Tracey, this will all be over with. Hang in there.

Last night was bad though. After that last entry I let my mind wander a little too far. I ended up in his room at 3 am sifting through things to find out exactly how big a mug I really am. Did someone want to supersize that order? Because its huge.

I found about four different letters addressed to her. But what caught my attention was the way he wrote out her address...he put little hearts to dot the i's in her name.

Then this sudden panic came over me and I started thinking about him skipping out on me and not paying rent. I pictured coming home from work tonight to an empty house and everything gone. I stayed up until 4 am obsessing about it. So I set some things strategically by the door so that I would hear him come in this morning. As soon as I heard it, I darted out of bed..."Hey, you got rent money?" Of course, just as I suspected, he promised to have it tonight.

Then what came next blew me away. I was telling him how I knew and still know that he's going back to her. He said No, you took care of that for me. You're the reason we're not together. Come again, asshole.

He said because of the conversation she and I had one day last year. All I know is I didnt initiate it or say anything that wasnt deserved. What had happened was I got a missed call on my cell phone from his I called it back. When I didnt get an answer, I sent a text message. About 5 mins after that my phone rings...

Me: Hello?

Her:Hi, this is "Dumb bitch" and I came across your number in my boyfriend's cell phone. Why is that? Dont call my boyfriend again.

Me: Well, first let me tell you who this is...I'm the owner of that cell phone and its in my name. So, please dont tell me that I cant even call my own cell phone. Two, I dont want your man...I have my own. (Because at the time, I did)

She seemed to calm down after a few minutes of explaining who I am and what's going on. But somehow I am responsible for them breaking up. Oh no, it couldnt be that she's a horrible mother...or that she's a drug addict...or that she has warrants out for her arrest...oh, the list could go on. But its all my fault.

I'm getting scared because I'm starting to think about things in a spiteful way. I wrote down her address and telephone number and part of me wants to write her or call her. I want to tell her that he was with me when he was with her...I want to tell her that he's been living with me for the past 6-7 months. He's winning out here, he's making me hate him.

Its starting to scare me how angry I'm getting with him. I dont want to be like this. I can feel myself getting bitter and spiteful...and I dont like that. That's not who I am, but he's changing me and I can feel the difference.

I am so tired...emotionally and physically. I just want to sleep. I want to cry. I want to cry myself to sleep. But I'm fighting the tears with every ounce of energy I have left.

I'm going to run out of strength soon and lose.