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I think there's something you should know, I think its time I told you so...there's something deep inside of me, there's someone else I've gotta be
Written at 1:17 a.m. on Monday, Jun. 02, 2003

I'm starting to think life is nothing but this insane roller coaster ride that 1.) The carnival guy has absolutely no control over (and that carnival guy for me is me) 2.) No matter how much you beg and plead, no one will let you off the ride and 3.) makes your stomach drop at every turn.

When he finally woke up, we had a small talk. I needed to sit down with him and go over the events of the upcoming month...for my own peace of mind. I politely asked him if he would be willing to stay an extra month if I couldnt find someone right away. His answer...Dont make your problems mine, because they're not...I wouldnt have stayed nine months anyway, I'll be leaving in september.

Bastard! I let him stay here rent free for almost 5 months...and he couldnt (or should I say wouldnt) stay and help me an extra month if I needed it. Nope. He's out at the end of the month regardless of how things are for me.

But that's okay. Because tomorrow he's paying rent and I've got everything covered. I dont need his sorry, pathetic ass. When I asked him where he was going...he said Tennessee. Conveniently, that's where his ex is with his kids. Its kinda funny that things between him and I started to fall to complete shit when she arrived back into the picture and they started talking again.

I, in the back of my mind and in my heart of hearts, always felt like I'd been being used from the beginning. Its kinda like standing in a cloud of smoke...you cant see two inches in front of your face, but when you take a few steps outside of it, you can clearly see inside.

Fact #1~He was living with his mother when he ventured back into my life. He hated living with her I know he'd only being doing it if he had absolutely no other choice. I, again, was the runner up.

Fact #2~(ok, maybe not a total fact but something I've started piecing together in my head)I think she took off and moved out on him when he was in jail. Therefore, she left him and not the other way around like he claims. (Yeah, I never claimed to be the smartest or that I could pick 'em)

Fact #3~I predicted that once he got moved in, he would want to become just friends and I'd be stuck living miserably with him having to be just his friend while wanting so much more. Prediction was correct!

Fact #4~Every argument we have, he always throws the "I'm not using you" in there. I never thought it until he started saying it so much.

Fact #5~He knew ahead of time that he wasnt going to fullfill the nine month lease that up until today was "no problem"...regardless of whether we were still together or not. I know this one because he admitted to it.

What a fucking sorry ass, no good, piece of shit, rat bastard! (pardon my french...I experience Tourette's syndrome when I'm highly pissed off)

I went to "Cheers" tonight. I promised myself that I was going to go out tonight no matter what kind of mood I was in. I sat in my car before I went in, fighting back tears on the phone with my cousin stressing out about what I was going to do. I was starting to think that I was going to have to do something drastic like quit my job regardless of being able to still have medical coverage and moving to either Colorado or back to Maryland. (Asshole!)

I went inside determined to still have fun. The usual sunday night crowd was there. "MrRedemption" came over to me and said Life must be treating you well, you look good. I explained to him my situation...all of it. And he looked at me and said Are you kidding, I'll rent the room from you. Promise me you wont rent it to anyone else. SOLD to the guy in the front who gets this piece of shit out my house!

So we talked for a while and it sounds almost too good to be true. The dates match up perfect. I've known him for three years, so it wont be some stranger. He's an amazing person with a heart of gold. He's responsible. He would be living across the parking lot from his music partner, therefore it will be easier for them to get together. Its just so right.

We're going to touch base sometime this week and set up a time to go sign the lease together.

I'll let y'all know right now, that tomorrow after I get that rent check in my hand...people in Cambodia are going to hear me lay into his sorry ass! I just wish there were some way to record it and put it here for y'all to hear. Tomorrow...victory will be mine.

Now, I'll leave you with a song. I normally use them as the titles for my entries instead of putting the entire song in the entry, but I heard "MrRedemption" sing it tonight at karaoke and found it fitting for my situation with "MrBigDaddy". Here goes (pay attention to the words)...

Freedom 90

I won't let you down

I will not give you up

gotta have some faith in the sound

it's the one good thing that I've got

I won't let you down

so please don't give me up

because I would really, really love to stick around

heaven knows I was just a young boy

didn't know what I wanted to be

I was every little hungry schoolgirls pride and joy

and I guess it was enough for me

to win the race? a prettier face!

brand new clothes and a big fat place

on your rock and roll TV

but today the way I play the game is not the same

no way

think I'm gonna get me some happy

I think there's something you should know

I think it's time I told you so

there's something deep inside of me

there's someone else I've got to be

take back your picture in a frame

take back your singing in the rain

I just hope you understand

sometimes the clothes do not make the man

chorus

all we have to do now

is take these lies and make them true somehow

all we have to see

is that I don't belong to you

and you don't belong to me

freedom

you've gotta give for what you take

freedom

you've gotta give for what you take

heaven knows we sure had some fun boy

what a kick just a buddy and me

we had every big-shot goodtime band on the run boy

we were living in a fantasy

we won the race

got out of the place

I went back home got a brand new face

for the boys on MTV

but today the way I play the game has got to change

oh yeah

now I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's somethig youshould know

I think it's time I stopped the show

there's something deep inside of me

there's someone I forgot to be

take back your picture in a frame

take back your singing in the rain

I just hope you understand

sometimes the clothes do not make the man

chorus

well it looks like the road to heaven

but it feels like the road to hell

when I knew which side my bread was buttered

I took the knife as well

posing for another picture

everybody's got to sell

but when you shake your ass

they notice fast

and some mistakes were build to last

that's what you get

I say that's what you get

that's what you get for changing your mind

and after all this time

I just hope you understand

sometimes the clothes do not make the man

I'll hold on to my freedom

may not be what you want from me

just the way it's got to be

lose the face now

I've got to live

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