Written at 9:28 a.m. on Wednesday, Jun. 04, 2003
I cant even begin to explain how peacefully I slept last night. I didnt wake up once until my alarm went off. It was so nice.
I think I'm starting to get over that hump. That black cloud that it feels like has been following me for a while now.
I've got to start taking better care of myself though. Usually excessive amounts of stress send me into a relapse, but this time it hasnt. I'm lucky. My hands are a little more numb than usual. I dont think I'll ever fully regain feeling back into them. But as long as I can walk and am not confined to a wheelchair, you'll hear no MS complaints from me.
This month is my father's birthday. I still miss him so much. I used to be so angry at him for so many different things. Mostly because he allowed himself to succumb to his MS...he didnt fight. I have to admit that when I first was diagnosed, I wanted to give up too. But I've got too much life ahead of me to do that. Thankfully, I've been lucky and havent really seen too much of this disease except for a little relapse here and there. I dont care if I cant feel it, as long as I can still move it...that's the way I see it. Its made me choose to be a fighter...not only with the disease, but with other aspects of my life.
So all in all, I'm feeling much better today. I think the rain last night in a way was very cleansing for me. A brand new start...fresh and clean. Or maybe its because I finally slept more than three hours and didnt have so many things weighing on my mind. Either way, I feel so much better than I did.
Things at home are amicable. I'm not going out of my way to be nice. But its funny because the more I pull away and let him know that its over (and it is! And if I start to sound like it isnt, I give ANYONE full permission to shoot me without any consequences) the more he tries to hold on to loose strings. He called me yesterday just to ask if he could order pay-per view. Yes, he called me...at work...to ask to watch Harry Potter. Then he called me again this morning and for the life of me, I cant remember what he called for...and it was only ten minutes ago.
He asked me if I was still mad at him. Being mad would require me to care...and I'm over that. Its not worth the time or energy I'm expending to care. It just gets me a slap in the face anyway. He'll never grow up. He'll always be that spoiled little rich kid who runs to Daddy's bank account every time things get hard...and he'll never have ambition to be any more than that.
So, umm, yeah...26 days and counting!