Because I hit a fork in the road, lost my way home, cut off from the main line like a disconnected modem
Written at 8:56 a.m. on Friday, Jun. 06, 2003
Sometimes I feel like my life is this prison sentence...and I'm doing a life sentence. That would be fine, if it werent my life I was forced to live. And unfortunately, there's no time off for good behavior.
Usually, before I make an entry, I read up on the people of my fave's list. Sometimes this is good to do, sometimes it just has me forgetting what I wanted to write about in the first place because someone made me think about something else. It seems like the unanimous feeling today is BLAH! You know those days...the ones where you're not really living, just simply existing.
That's how I feel today. And what's worse about these days, is you generally cant put your finger specifically on what is making you feel this way. And without knowing the cause, you cant find the solution. So I'm forced to walk around today like an emotional zombie.
This morning as I left for work, I saw a guy getting out of his car with flowers and a big envelope. He walked over to another car, which judging by all the stuffed animals and stickers belonged to a girl, and left it under the windshield wipers. It made me want to cry.
"MrWhacker" ended up falling asleep last night, so we didnt go out. "MrBigDaddy" called in sick...yet again. I ended up going over to "MsMoHoney"'s house for a little bit. She had bought some astrological, zodiac, chart thingy. Mine said something about a big change in my life in my 28th year. Well, in three months I'll be coming into my 28th year. Anything's got to be better than this.
Last night he said more than once, how I'm evicting him, kicking him out. Its not like that. Every time things arent going the way he wants them to, he says he's leaving. I need more stability than that. Not someone who runs away every time things get hard.
He also commented again on how I said that I dont want to be friends with him after he leaves. Its not that I dont, I just dont think I can. If I stay in contact with him and we're friends, I will always be wanting something that isnt there. I will always have that candle of hope flickering in the back of my mind. That's why I need a clean break.
I feel so out of control of my life. Like its mine to live, but I have no control over what happens. I'm just being taken along for the ride. I just wish there was some way to slow it down...and let me off.