Well you couldnt be that man I adored...you dont seem to know or seem to care what your heart is for
Written at 1:31 a.m. on Monday, Jun. 09, 2003
I've done alot of inner digging today. I wanted to try to get to the root of why I am the way that I am.
A long conversation with "MsAngelic" made it a little more clear to me. We were talking about our security issues. I havent felt very secure in a relationship for a long time. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or more acurately, for the alcohol to wear off as they take off screaming.
But, no, seriously...I havent been secure with someone in a long time, if ever. I told him today that I always felt like the filler, the runner up...and that he was passing time with me while waiting for the next best thing to come along. He disagrees with that, but I cant help feeling the way that I do.
We had a long conversation today which ended with us both almost in tears. I had to bite the inside of my lip to keep from crying. I'm not very good at showing my weaknesses. Which explains, or rather confirms, "MsMoHoney"'s theory that I keep everyone at an acquaintance level and dont let anyone in. I hate letting people close to me. It only ends in disappointment and pain for me. Therefore, I've become afraid to let people close to me.
I asked him today why he came back. If he knew that he couldnt give me what I needed and be the person I needed him to be, why did he still choose to come walking back into my life. If I knew before I did it that I would end up hurting someone in the long run, I would probably choose to stay away. I would make that self-sacrifice to ensure that someone I cared about didnt get hurt.
He knows that I found the card. I didnt admit to it, though. I just asked him to look me in the face and tell me that he wouldnt be with her if he could. He did. I called him a liar. He said If you happened to have been going through my stuff and came across a letter or something, it isnt for the reason you think it is. The reason doesnt matter. And he wonders why I feel like the filler.
The person that I aspired to be isnt this. Far from it. It wasnt this worn down emotional mess that I've become. And maybe its a lack of self esteem, self respect...self acceptance. I'm just having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror lately. I've never felt this self loathing for being so weak before.
Its all something I've got to change...fast. I told him today that I'm going to be flying solo for quite a while. I've got to figure myself out before I can add anyone else to the equation. I need to have a better sense of understanding about myself. Because right now I feel like I dont even know me. For a while there, I thought that I did. And maybe I did and its just rediscovering what I thought I knew. Kinda like misplacing your keys...they were right there under your nose all along.
Part of it is letting go of the past. That's going to be a hard one for me to do, but I'm certainly going to try. I need to let go of some of the baggage that I've been carrying, its only weighing me down.
So for now I'm going to set aside all of the materialistic changes that I wanted to make to my life and concentrate on an inner discovery. Because I'm the one that has to live in here afterall...and I should understand it.
Every day is a second chance to turn it all around