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I wanna be sedated...
Written at 9:12 a.m. on Thursday, Jun. 12, 2003

I've been in this restless mood for a few days now. It's kinda like being stuck in purgatory without a judgement date set anytime soon.

I have no idea what's going on at home. I just live there and go with the flow of things. I simply eat and sleep there. I've just gotten to the point with that where I just dont care anymore. I let him beleive what he wants while I've made up my mind in my own head.

My job...well, that's another nightmare. I finally, in a polite way, stood up for myself yesterday. I never know what recourses that will have...but, whatever. I've stopped caring about that as well.

My plan right now is to exist...to live. Not make too big of ripples in the water. When all I really want to do is scream from the top of my lungs to get it all out.

I've got to get out of that house this weekend. Its so mentally unsturdy for me to be there. I dont care about him anymore. I really dont. I loved the idea of him. The thought of caring about someone who would care back. The illusion of being one half of something beautiful. Now I see its ugliness. And now that I realize I cant fix it, I need to throw it away.

I've started relapsing again. And I know its from stress. This time its in my hands. They're numb and feel very tight. There's nothing I can do about it but just wait for it to pass. I feel so out of control...with everything.

I'm starting to think it would be better if I went back on the Wellbutrin. At least I felt like I had some control. I wasnt so moody and depressed all of the time. I'm sure it would help a little. So there, my mind's made up. I hate putting my happiness in a little purple pill, but right now I just cant do it alone.

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