We've opened the door to which so many people never find the key
Written at 12:28 p.m. on Saturday, Jun. 21, 2003
I finally said all the things that needed to be said.
I explained to him how I felt about everything...in great detail. I told him that we've come to the end of the road here and I'm trying to retain a friendship out of this. Before anything, we were friends...and I'd like for it to stay that way.
I told him that no matter what, I'll always wonder if he wouldnt rather be with his ex. And I cant put myself through that every time his cell phone rings or he sends a letter out. I dont want to go through his things because curiousity gets the better of me.
He asked me why we couldnt be together until someone else came along in my life. We cant because as long as he's still in the picture, I'll carry that flicker of hope and wont want to be with someone else. I'll never move on. I'll walk around with blinders on seeing only him...and I cant do that. Its not fair of me to do that to myself when there's someone else out there better suited for me.
He thanked me for all of the things I've ever done for him. He mostly thanked me for answering the phone that day when he called back. He told me that he was going through a really bad time and doesnt know what he would've done if I hadnt have been there for him when I was.
There's no doubt in my mind that he loves me. He just doesnt love me the way that I need him to. And I dont love half-heartedly or accept only half of someone's heart. I guess its just me being selfish.
He asked me if I beleived that he's never cheated on me and if I trust him. I told him I trust you with my life, but not my heart. There's really only two or three people that I trust whole-heartedly to always carry my best intentions in mind. He's one of them. But I'll never let him close to my heart again.
Overall, it was a good night. We talked about so many things and I was finally able to say so much of what I've wanted to say to him for so long. Finally, at 4:30 am we decided to go to bed. He asked if he could come sleep in my bed. At first, I was a little aprehensive, but I caved. It was okay though, because nothing physical happened. He just layed there and held me all night. I woke up to him rubbing my back.
He took himself to the hospital this morning. He's there right now. I think he has some kind of kidney infection. Or I dont, could be anything...I'm not a doctor. But he's in alot of pain.
Tonight I also have that party at "MsMoHoney"'s house. I really cant wait for that. It should be so much fun. I'm going to go over at around 4 and start early.
Its saturday night...I dont have to work tomorrow...I can drink...I dont have to drive anywhere...life is good!