You've been juggling two women like a stupid circus clown telling us both we are "the one"...and maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but you're not going to stop me from having fun
Written at 8:40 a.m. on Monday, Jun. 23, 2003
You know what's the worst feeling? Proving yourself right...when you really hoped that you wouldnt.
I finally got the answer I had been digging for. He does still love her. Do you know what a sting that was to me? A slap in the face. What's worse is...he thinks she was the one. I'm so sick to my stomache it isnt even funny. I feel like a total piece of shit.
I was up into almost 5 am talking to him about this. I feel like that's all we do is beat the hell out of things by talking about them. I'm so utterly tired of talking to him it hurts. I dont think there's a square inch of my body that isnt hurting right now. I'm not sure if I want to just curl up and cry and be sad...or yell and scream and be angry. I dont really think either one is going to make me feel better.
We got into this long discussion about If you loved me, why didnt you tell me? Well, when someone tells you that they'll never let anyone close to them again and that they'll never allow themselves to love again...you dont exactly jump into that humiliation as quickly as you can. But Tracey, if you love something and want it badly enough, you fight with all you've got to get it Not when you know that the outcome will still be the same.
Why would I tell someone that if I know that it wouldnt be reciprocated? I'm tired of beating myself up over him. I'm tired of bruising my pride constantly. I'm tired of just keeping my mouth shut and letting things slide.
I dont put myself out on the line and make myself vulnerable very easily. And this whole thing has reassured me why that's a good idea. And I wonder why I have trust issues.
I feel like such the fool. Really, I do. My eyes are red and stinging from crying until the wee hours of the morning. Actually, I probably shouldnt even be writing this at work being as I can feel the tears creeping up as I write this. And I absolutely hate the fact that he saw me crying. That I just sat there with tears streaming down my face and handed him what little ounce of pride I had left.
Tonight I have a massage appointment. There's a big part of me that wants to cancel and stay home wallowing. But I'm not going to do that. I refuse to let him get the better of me. I'm better than that. I'm better than him.
Today's horoscope...Keep looking for some practical application of yesterday's insight. Almost isn't good enough for you. Hovering on the edge of certainty leaves your whole team edgy and unusually anxious.