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I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away...I dont know where my soul is, I dont know where my home is
Written at 11:04 a.m. on Wednesday, Jun. 25, 2003

I have a plan...

I've been running it through my head ever since I got off the phone this morning. I think I'm going to move to Washington. It makes more sense than if I were to stay here.

Everyday I die a little bit more here. I need to be with my family and have some kind of family cohesion. I need to be happy. And right now...I'm not. And I dont know what's the missing piece that's going to make me happy. But I know staying here isnt helping me one bit.

My aunt and her husband have always (and still are) telling me that I'm more than welcome to come up there with them. And the more I think about it, the more sense it makes to me.

So my plan is to talk to her about it tonight. Make sure the offer is still good. Then, I'm going to use a week vacation time the first week of August and I'm going to see if I can go up there and visit. Test the water, so to speak. Instead of just resigning myself to it, make sure I would like it there first. I just re-signed a nine month lease on my apartment...so I'll have nine months to get the pieces to fit together.

I know it sounds rather rash and hasty, but I cant breathe here. Call it running away...call it giving up...call it taking the easy way out...I dont care. I feel clipped, grounded...when all I really want to do is fly as far away from here and all the pain and memories as fast as I can.

I came out here with hope. Hope of starting over and making a life for myself here. The only thing I've made is a mess.

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die...life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly~Langston Hughes

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