I'll keep looking up waiting your return, my greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn...and I wont feel your fire
Written at 2:14 p.m. on Monday, Jul. 07, 2003
Ok, that...ummm....that was just weird. Man!
I received a phone call while I was at lunch earlier from "MrCuriousGeorge". He flew in to town saturday and today was his first day open. He stopped by my work and literally just pulled away. If I run to the door, I could probably still see him pulling away.
So, who is "MrCuriousGeorge"? He's the heartbreak of last summer. He's someone that I got incredibly close to and had to watch him leave. He went back to school and happened to have picked a school in Delaware. All I could do was stand there and just watch it fall. There was nothing I could do, there was nothing I could say. I had to just deal with it with the grace of a woman. Its been almost exactly a year since he left.
That's why it was so strange today. He pulled up outside of my work and I walked up to his car. I think I surprised him with how different I look now. He remembers a slightly heavier darker haired woman. But the way that he didnt take his arm from around me the entire time he was here tells me that he wasnt so disappointed that it wasnt her that was there to greet him.
He kept commenting on how different I look now. It felt so good. I've been beating myself up for the last 7 months. Literally kicking the shit out of myself on a daily basis. Constantly thinking to myself If only I were skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough...he would love me. Of course, NOW I see that's not the case. And it felt good today to hear someone say that. To be put in a spot where I feel comfortable...not self-conscious of every little part of myself.
One of the things I've always liked about "MrCuriousGeorge" was the image I got when I looked down that road. When I stood in the intersection and looked down his road, the pictures where alot nicer. I could imagine a better life with him. One full-filled with the good things in life...a good career, a house, family, even the dog sitting in the front yard with the picket fence. Maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer.
Do I still care about him? Yes, of course. He was a big part of my life at one time. Do I still care about him the same way? I've been through too much in the last year to see or feel anything the same way as I did. I've missed him...I'm glad he's here. That's all there is to go on.
There was a big part of me just now that felt I was betraying "MrBigDaddy"...although, I understand I owe him nothing. You have to understand...I havent been with anyone else for almost 8 months. I havent touched anyone else lips. I havent been held by anyone else. It felt weird to be kissed by someone else. Not better, not worse...just different.
He mentioned that he has plans tonight, but perhaps tomorrow or wednesday we would get together again. Wednesday we have a going away party for a mutual friend so I know I'll see him there.
Wow, its still...so weird.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feeling: like I cant beleive its been a year already.
Listening to: silence