Dont wanna try, dont wanna try, dont wanna try no more...tell me what's the use of holding on when all we do is hurt our love
Written at 12:09 a.m. on Thursday, Jul. 10, 2003
To elaborate on the whole BBQ blowing thing, it was like a tornado. It was a disaster for me. If it wasnt my house, I would've left.
First, I came home to a whiny ass, child-like temper tantrum. He hates my cat. I mean despises him. Right now, my cat has fleas. I'm working really hard to fix the problem, but I can only do so much. Apparently, that's just not good enough. I'm giving him the medicine, I've cleaned really well...what more can I do but wait?
First, let me mention that whenever I have friends over, he has to show his ass. Ignorant side that is, not the body part. And he did just that tonight. I was so embarrassed. Everyone is trying to have a good time and there I am...hiding out in my room. I felt like the worst host. He made a comment that really hurt "MsMoHoney"'s feelings. I guess she was the warm-up for what I got later.
We got into a conversation about this entire situation. I told him that I'm tired of all the flip-flopping. One minute I'm the girlfriend, then I'm the roommate. I told him I'm very uncomfortable with this entire situation. I cant remember what we were talking about, but at one point he said to me "You must like rejection". Is that not the shittiest thing to say to someone.
Then, he asked "Do you have anything better going on right now, I dont. I thought we agreed for it to be like this until something better comes along". Excuse me! Something better. I dont want someone to be with me because nothing better has come along. I dont work like that...I'm either with someone because I want to, or I'm not with them at all. How can someone be secure in a relationship when they're constantly waiting for something better to come along and replace them.
He also asked me "Are you sorry that I called". At first I wasnt sure what he was talking about. Then he said "Back in December, I bet you're wishing I had never called." I looked him right in the face and said yes. I wish he had never come back into my life. At least then I'd just wonder about him from time to time instead of feeling this way.
I hate how I feel about him right now. I hate how angry I am. I hate that I want to hurt him if even by only a fraction of what I feel. I hate how he makes me feel about myself. I used to think it was me, that if I could figure out what the missing piece was, I could make everything right. Now I see its not about me, its about him. I feel foolish for allowing myself to be blinded by the (always) temporary effort that he puts into things when they finally get bad enough for him. You all warned me, but I'm stupid I suppose.
Needless to say, I never made it to "Cheers" tonight for the going away party. I really wasnt in the mood to be around anyone at all. I just want to close my eyes and forget all about tonight. I want to forget about the last 7 months. I want to forget about him. My heart broke into a million pieces when we went through this the first time, this time it disolved.
"MrCuriousGeorge" called me and came over for about 20 mins. I wasnt in the mood to get groped by a hairy, horny little pervert...so I sent him on his way. He came over here with the sole purpose of having sex. Kinda funny that when I told him that it wasnt happening, he conveniently had to go back to "Cheers". Hey, that's fine, better for me...I really wasnt in the mood for him anyway. He surely isnt the "something better".
I keep expecting any minute now to wake up and have this all to have been a big dream. Nightmare is more like it. Or someone to stand out from behind the curtain and say "smile, you're on candid camera". But I clearly see that's not going to happen. Wishful thinking. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm feeling: pissed because I had a better entry than this got lost somehow.
Listening to: Sensitivity-Ralph Tresvant (old school)