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You like to stand in the line of fire, just to show you can shoot straight from your hip
Written at 8:57 a.m. on Tuesday, Jul. 15, 2003

There comes a point when even the masochist in you says I've had enough, this must stop.

Last night brought it all back up again. Going through the same words and motions as I've done a hundred times before. Always with the same outcome...never getting anywhere. But this time it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Camel's back, my heart...what's the difference, right.

He told me last night that inevitably they are going to end up back together. He said by the way she talks, she wants it to happen too. That she is going to be coming out here around November and he needs to find another place to live so that she has a place to stay at when she's here.

I just dont get it. I dont understand what the magnetism between the two of them is. She is the same women that he's told me horror stories about. Yet, now she's this wonderful person that he has to stick up for and make sure that she's comfortable. And I'm the one that casts aside when she comes returning in her horsedrawn carriage. Me, the one that's made sure that he's wanted for nothing these past 8 months. Me!

I feel like I am in a tailspin. Like I'm standing dead center in the middle of an empty room and I'm taking a step in any direction, then turning and taking another step in another direction. All the while, I'm going in circles and not really going anywhere. I've lost my center and I dont know which direction to go. I cant find the exit out.

This shouldnt hurt, but it does. I should be used to this by now, but I'm not. He shouldnt have this effect on me still, but he does.

I hate him. I hate him not only because of the things he says and does, but also because of how he makes me feel about myself. He's made me feel less than what I am. He's made me feel like I'm trash. Like some woman who has done these horrible things is a better person than me. And I am the piece of shit here. But I guess how he makes me feel is my fault, not his...because I allow him to make me feel like this.

I just know that if I had someone to move into that extra room, I would clear out my house completely and move them right on in. I wouldnt give him any notice or any time to get his things in order. I just want him gone. I want him out of my house...and even better, out of my life.

Someone please tell me that this will all be over soon. That things will just fall into place and just work out somehow. That over time I wont even remember him or recognize his face. That when he leaves, he'll take all the pain with him.

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I'm feeling: stupid and foolish

Listening to: the little voices in my head that tell me to RUN...and never look back!

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