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Written at 10:31 a.m. on Friday, Jul. 18, 2003

Would I be a horrible person if I said that the sight of him is starting to make me sick? This is a good thing, right?

I was sitting there last night, on yet ANOTHER one of his nights off, and I was looking at him and all I could think to myself was...He makes me physically sick to look at. Not because the sight of him to look at is so disgusting and ugly due to his appearance or anything. Its because I look at him and see a waste...a waste of a person.

Its gotten worse on his end, but on mine I think its gotten better. Because when I looked at him last night, I no longer see ANYTHING desirable in him. He hasnt worked in exactly a week, he's popping Vicodins like they're tic-tacs (while drinking beer)...and he's getting more verbally nastier.

Last night I decided that I wanted to order a pizza for dinner...

Me: What kind of pizza do you want?

Him: I dont care.

Me: well, let's get something on it...peperoni, mushrooms, chicken, ground beef...

Him: Eww, anything but ground beef.

Me: Okay, then what topping would you like?

Him: (making hand gestures) Yeah, I remember saying it, dont know why you didnt hear it.

Me: Well, you cared enough for it not to be ground beef.

So I got up and went and hung out in the living room. Stayed there until it was time to leave to go get my shot. There wasnt a need for ordering a freak'n pizza to turn into a big ordeal. No, Tracey...I dont really like ground beef, but anything else would be fine. Or, Ya know, I dont want ground beef, but chicken sounds good. Needless to say, there was no pizza last night.

My favorite was when he was watching some special on the History channel about some airplane hanger being built. They were showing what was going to be stored in the hanger...

Me: Oh, its not going to be used for airplanes...they're going to store dirigibles in there?

Him: Umm, no...look at the screen. Those are airships. (rolling eyes) God!

Me: (pulling out dictionary to prove my case) Look, the dictionary says that a dirigible IS an airship.

Him: You think you're so smart...pulling out those big words. Well, you're not so smart when you're using words that no one else understands.

I am sorry that I speak well. I'm sorry that I sound educated when I speak. I'm sorry that I didnt drop out of high school in the ninth grade and decided to finish my education instead. Why does he feel the need to make me feel bad for these things?

This is good though. Its a good thing that I'm seeing the ugly side of him and its disgusting me, right? Because then I wont want to stay with him. And I dont. I can feel how this is starting to take its toll in me not only mentally, but physically too. My hands have gone more numb and when I was walking from my car last night on my way home from work, my legs felt heavy and it was a little harder than usual to walk. With my normal relapses, things go numb...they dont normally get like this.

Soon this will all be over with. I'll get financially back on track. Get everyone out of my house. And regain what little sanity and peace I have left.

Soon, Tracey, soon!