She fucking hates me...la la la la
Written at 9:39 a.m. on Saturday, Jul. 19, 2003
You know that point? The point of no return...that point where everything up until that moment doesnt matter because something has been done to change it all...HIT IT!
I finally said all that I needed to say. I let it all out to him. I told him exactly how I feel and what I think about him. And you know, not only did it feel good...but it was the truth.
On my way home from work, I was talking to him on my cell phone. He had called to bitch about something else around the house. Then we got on the topic. You know, the one that takes us in circles every time. And I finally had to put my foot down and say enough is enough.
The conversation is a little hazy due to the fact that I really wasnt listening to anything he had to say. I dont care anymore. And basically, that's what I told him. I told him that I dont care about him anymore. That he no longer rents space here. That I will never in a million years EVER let him close to me again. That the only thing I see right now when I look at him is dollar signs. There's nothing left here.
I told him that I think he's a piece of shit and that I have no respect left for him. I also mentioned to him, or should I say reminded him of the numerous times that he has attempted to patch things up with her and had the attempt fail every time. I told him that when it does, which it will, to please not call me...and as a matter of fact, not to call me at all. People dont change, they may change little things...but the foundation of people will always remain the same. If he wants to believe that she's a different person, then so be it. But when he falls on his face, dont come looking at me to take care of the cuts and scrapes. I'm not the one.
I basically told him that I'm numb. There's nothing he could say or do that could possibly hurt me now. I've went through the pain, dealt with it...and have moved past it. He isnt pain to me now as much as he is frustration...an annoyance. He's that little itch that you keep scratching, but just doesnt seem to go away.
He came up to me a little later and anything he tried to talk about, I just blew him off. He tried to show me a picture of his daughter...Yeah, nice...and then I just pushed it out of my face. I really dont care about his kids. They (and him) mean nothing to me. NOTHING!
Later he asked me about "MrApronStrings". He asked if after all this time, if I was still carrying around anger and hard feelings towards him. I told him that it hurt when I went through this with him, but it was a different sting. Too much time has passed for me to still be carrying around that baggage. It doesnt hurt anyone but me to do that. You have to let that stuff go, it only eats away at you.
It's time to forge ahead...and not look back. There isnt anything that he could say or do that would make me ever respect him again.
And you know, its never as bad as it seems. I've noticed that there's a pattern with me. Whenever I'm going through this, I always think its the end of the world and life just wont go one. But you know, it always does. This too shall pass. When someone new comes along I wont even remember his name..."MrBigIdiot", right?
I cant remember what we were talking about, but something came up and he said You're mine until I let you go. Nope, see that's where you're wrong...the only person I belong to is myself.