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And I'm not gonna bend...and I'm not gonna break...and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore
Written at 10:24 p.m. on Tuesday, Jul. 22, 2003

I was barely out the door from work before the calls started pouring in. The bitching started.

"MrBigDaddy" had called to tattle-tale again. Oh, I cant even begin to explain how fun that always is. He was calling about the new stereo system that "MrGIjoe" just brought home. He said that the music was too loud and that it kept him from sleeping.

So when I got home, I confronted "MrGIjoe" about it. He said that it wasnt loud and that he had even asked "MrBigDaddy" if it was keeping him awake. And he said that he told him no. To which "MrBigDaddy" claims the conversation never happened.

Its like picking the lesser of two evils. Because as I sit here at 10:30 at night, I can hear him playing his stereo on the other side of the apartment. But, then again..."MrBigDaddy" has a way of OVER-exagerating EVERYTHING. And the reality of it all is...I DONT REALLY CARE.

Its been a long day and all I really want to do it crawl into bed, pull the covers up over my head and not emerge for another 7-8 hours. Yeah, that would be nice.

I ended up going to the gym for a little bit tonight. "MrGIjoe" was already there when I got there. I didnt do as much as I should have due to the fact that I was too preoccupied flirting with this guy who was there. We passed each other a few times and said know, stared back and forth several times without saying anything. He said goodbye to me on his way out. It was kinda nice. I mean, I'll probably never see him again, but if I dont...that's okay. It was just nice to be noticed by someone for even that short a time. It was what I needed to reassure myself that there is life after "MrBigDaddy".

I'm getting better everyday. Its going to be a long healing process, but I've promised myself that I'm not going to bend...and I'm not going to break. I'm going to be strong...or at least hide the cracks the best I can.

Somehow, we had got to talking about our cell phone plans and he asked me when he started his. I dont know why he would think I would know that. Apparently, it was a few weeks before he had called me back in December. So he says I got the phone and you were the first person that I called...I'm sure you appreciated that. Well, after i picked myself up off the floor from my hysterical laughter, I said No actually, like I've said before, I really wish that you hadnt have called me. You'd just be someone that I'd wonder about every now and then, 'Hmm, I wonder how "MrBigDaddy" is'...instead of this constant desire to want to punch you in the face.

Earlier tonight, I called a friend of mine. We've been emailing each other back and forth for two months now saying we're going to meet for lunch. We agreed to meet sunday at the Spectrum. When I got off the phone with her, he says to me You didnt ask permission to go're becoming defiant. And me being the truly, amazing smartass that I am, threw back at him You're right, I didnt ask. Why is that? Because I dont have to ask you. I dont need to answer to you. Got that? The look on his face...priceless.

There's a new Tracey that's about to emerge here. And I truly cant wait to meet her. I'm done playing with this weak, pathetic, shell of a person. He may have cracked my shell...but he didnt take my pearl.