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Hey, hey, being stoned
Written at 9:29 a.m. on Thursday, Jul. 24, 2003

I cant even begin to put my mood into words this morning. Its kinda like this upset, but not quite sad or angry...just heavy kind of feeling.

I dont know why. I think my frustration is starting to catch up with me. Its been compiling for a while now. I'm good at letting things build up until I'm ready to explode.

First, there is this battle going on in my house as to whom is going to take out the trash. No one wants to do it. So it just sits there...and sits after day. "MrGIjoe" has asked me to ask "MrBigDaddy" to do...and vice versa. Finally, this morning I broke down and just took it out myself. It has gotten so bad, that "MrGIjoe" (I think more to prove his point) had been crumbling up his paper plates and putting them on the floor next to the trash can. Okay, that's just tacky and full on ghetto-like.

So yeah, I ended up finally having enough of it and taking it out this morning. And it figures, that along its journey to the dumpster outside...the damn bag would rip. I think both of them knew that and that's why it was left for me.

Its funny because about a year and a half ago, when I still lived in my apartment ALONE, I had met someone who asked me who I lived with. When I told them it was just me, they asked if I ever got lonely living by myself. As I look back on that, the only words that come to mind are...HELL NO! Those were quiet times. I didnt have to listen to music that makes my ears bleed. I wasnt forced to look at someone I didnt want to. I could walk into my apartment and shut the door to the entire world. It was a quiet place. It was my sanctuary. Now its just hell with surround sound.

Last night, I went for another walk around the lake...with "MrBigDaddy". When we went the other day, I didnt exactly wear the most comfortable shoes. So last night when we went, I decided to wear a pair of my slip on walking shoes that I've never really worn before. Well, one hour and one mile later...I had two huge blisters on the back of both of my feet. I'm forced to wear backless shoes today at work.

Tonight I really wanted to go the gym. I need to keep up this exercise program. It makes me feel good. Mostly about myself. But, I dont think I could stand putting shoes on. And besides, its thursday which means I have to get my shot. And since its an intramuscular shot, I dont exactly know if it would be a good idea to work the muscles that hard after I stick a 2 inch needle into the them.

On the good side of things, I dont know if its the medication or the exercise. But I havent had a bad relapse in a LONG time. I've had little flare-ups here and there. But overall, I've been feeling pretty good. The numbness hasnt been too bad. My legs are sore, but that's just from all of the walks and time spent at the gym lately.

I need to start thinking better about myself. I've spent too much time and wasted too much energy beating myself up. Every day when I look at him I think I wasnt good enough. If I wasnt good enough for HIM, how can I be good enough for someone else? And the self-deprecation begins all over again.

I'm too fixated on my outer physical appearance. I cant get past it. I'm working hard to get my body back into shape. (So far, 73 lbs lost total) But that isnt enough for me. Its still hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. And I'm at the awkward stage where I havent lost enough to fit in to the clothes I wore when I was thinner...yet, the clothes that I've been wearing are starting to fall off. I either look like I'm wearing something two sizes too big...or two sizes too small. Cant seem to find that happy medium.

I know this has been a very random, unfocused, non-specific, babbling on for way too long entry. I just cant seem to keep my mind from going in a million different directions today. There's a pill for that, right?