Written at 2:52 p.m. on Friday, Jul. 25, 2003
I'm doing it...I'm gonna do it...damn, I'm scared though.
I finally had enough of the bouncing back and forth on me about how long he's going to stay in the apartment after our temporary house guest leaves. When he called me this morning on his way home from work, at one point he said Yeah, I'll probably stay about a month after he leaves yet, a little later in the conversation he said I'm sure I'll be there past Christmas.
His inconsistency and indecisiveness is making my head spin. I cant keep up with people that have Multiple Personality Disorder. So I went ahead and looked up ads on an internet site, which took me forever to find someone in Orange county, but I found ONE. Only one. So I wrote him a nice email describing the apartment...and he wrote me back.
It seems he lives just down the street right now as it is. We've been emailing back and forth all day and I'm anxious to see where it goes. One thing I've learned...when someone cant make up their mind, make it for them!
I know that once I get someone moved in and he isnt living in my house anymore, I know I can get on with my life. Stop putting things on hold for him. Start living.
I told "MsMoHoney" last night that if he were to come up to me this second and say I'm so sorry, Tracey. I know what I did was wrong and I'm sorry that I hurt you. Do you think you can ever forgive me? Do you think you can give us a second chance?...I'd have to say NO! There's no way that I could do it. He's hurt me too badly and made me lose so much faith in people. I cant invest that much into him again. Besides, no matter how much time passes and what he says, I'd always think he'd rather be with her than me. And I cant do that to myself. I deserve so much more. I cant be a filler until something better comes along.
I had Chinese food for lunch today. It came with a fortune cookie. It read...Your life will be happy and peaceful. All I can say to that is...ABOUT DAMN TIME!