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Written at 12:07 a.m. on Saturday, Jul. 26, 2003

Every now and then, something hits me and I sit back, take a deep breath and think to myself Oh, that's why I am the way that I am, because of that one time...

I started thinking today about why I dont easily trust people. Why I'm always double checking with people and reconfirming them doing things that they say they're going to do. It came from my junior prom.

That night was a complete disaster. I was dating this guy and he agreed to go to my junior prom with me. He was a few years older than me and had went to a different school than I did. When it came time to actually go to the prom, I couldnt get a hold of him. When I'd call his house, he wasnt there. I started to panic. My best friend at the time had went with him to pick out his tux, so I knew that he at least HAD the intention of going.

Apparently, 3 or 4 days had went by before the prom and I hadnt talked to him. He assumed that I no longer wanted to take him, so he went to a baseball game instead. He thought I had found someone else to go with because I had never called to reconfirm it.

I went anyway. I had spent so much money on my dress and tickets that I felt I had to go. I didnt really want to go, but my friend had talked me into it. It wasnt a complete disaster. I had to answer a million questions as to where my date was and what happened. More than anything, I was embarrassed. But I made it through the night anyway. I had even met a nice guy there who had come as a favor to one of his friends. We talked the whole night. We even hung out afterwards.

When Monday morning came, I didnt know what rumors and gossip would be waiting for me. The funny thing was, the rumor that was going around was I had dumped my date the day before the prom. That made it a little bit easier to swallow than the truth...I had been stood up.

So my point behind this is, that's why I harp on people that say they're going to do things. I confirm, then reconfirm it with them. And I know it seems obnoxious to people, but it gives me a little bit of comfort. Because I know that alot of people arent what they seem and alot of people dont keep their word when they say they're going to do something. And maybe its a security issue that I have to get over.

Lately, I've been taking these little mini-trips back to my past. I'll hear a song that brings back a particular memory or period of time and I'll think to myself Oh, that makes perfect sense to me. That explains why I am the way that I am about that. Now when I have plans that are important like that, I'll confirm (alot) that they still intend to go. Its crazy how something that happened twelve years ago can still have an indirect effect on you.

And as painful as some of these memories are for me to go drudging up, they're explaining alot to me. A therapy of sorts. I've always been the one to preach how you cant base future expectations on past experiences or you're sure to be let down. But I see now, that I do it constantly. I'm not really good at taking my own advice. I wish I were, but more often than not I find it too difficult to swallow.

I'm working on a liquid solution...