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Written at 9:12 a.m. on Saturday, Aug. 16, 2003

This is the first entry that I've made in a while. I've been through hell and back in the past few days.

Wednesday, I had finally had enough of my job. I'd gotten tired of holding back my feelings. The way that I would ask a question and be totally ignored by my boss like I hadnt said anything at all. Or the way that she tossed paperwork at me and then had the deer caught in headlights look when I asked her not to toss it at me and hand it to me instead. So needless to say...I am with out employment at the moment.

That's okay though, because as "MsMoHoney" keeps reminding me Honey, this will become a blessing in disquise. You havent liked this job for years and now you have the oppurtunity to find something that makes you happy. And she's right...I have a plethora of open doors here, just have to decide on which to choose.

The one thing I'm most certain about is that my time spent in California is up. That's been foremost on my mind these past few days. I've been talking to my cousin in Colorado who keeps telling me As long as I have a home, you do too. Come up here and start over again. And her mother (my aunt), keeps reminding me of the family and support that I have back in Maryland. And, then there's my aunt up in Washington who has opened me up to the possibility of going up there. I just dont know.

I know no one except for my aunt, her husband and her two kids up in Washington. But her two kids arent really in the picture of her life right now. And when I remind her that I dont have family here, she reminds me that she doesnt really have any there either. So I know how it must be for her. To not have anything or anyone with history along for the ride with you. And I bend that way.

And my cousin in Colorado reminds me that she has a house and an apartment so there's room for me in her house and in her life. And "MrZingers" is in Colorado too. And those two were talking about him buying a house and renting me a room before any of this even happened. And I feel alot of love coming from I bend that way too.

So what's left is Maryland. I have everyone else back there. I have an uncle who told me back on my vacation there When the time comes and you want to come home, I'll come out there and drive you back in a U-haul. And my cousin's husband who said We will make room for you if you need a place to stay. You're family. And the other aunt (mother of cousin in Colorado...I know, my family is big and spread out) who reminded me yesterday of her husband's sister who keeps saying How's Tracey...decided to come back yet? Well, remind her that if she does, I can get her a good government job...just send me a resume and I'll have her working in no time. And there's my mother who carries alot of guilt about me coming here in the first place and wants me to come back. And I'm constantly reminding myself that my grandparents arent getting any younger and leaving them behind when I went out there last, just broke my heart. So I bend that way too...and just want to crack.

I feel like I'm here with these offers, like jobs, and I'm weighing the benefits looking for the best offer. And that doesnt seem fair in my opinion. To weigh them like its business and not family. I'm just looking for the best future possible. I'm still sick, I dont forget that. And I have to think about who I'd be less of a burden on if this gets any worse. And THAT makes me want to crack.

My aunt in Maryland, God bless her, reminded me yesterday that family is there for each other. And I may have seen a different aspect of family values being out here with that family that I had, but that's not how all families are and that's not what families are about...especially not ours.

And my mother, God really bless her, still manages to pull the late shift for me. I called her yesterday in a panic explaining that I needed a resume to get the ball rolling, but I didnt know where to start or have the ability to focus on it. So a few short hours later, she was all over it and sent me an email of a resume that she put together. She even has a friend that she works with helping her on it. I feel like that fifth grader all over again that didnt tell my mother I had a report on the microscope due until the night before. And here's this woman who stayed up past midnight to do it for me, because she'd rather do it for me than to see me go without. And again, my heart breaks.

Because here I have people that I dont know, that I've run away from or grown apart from holding their hands hands out to offer help.

I dont know what I want to do or where I want to end up. I do know that's it anywhere but here!