The sun'll come out tomorrow...
Written at 10:12 a.m. on Monday, Aug. 18, 2003
I'm still alive...that has to count for something, right?
These past couple of days have been pretty good. I havent done anything, yet feel like I've gotten alot accomplished. My car hasnt moved since wednesday...but that's alright.
I've done alot of soul searching trying to figure alot of things out. Where I want to go...what I want to do...what direction I want my life to go. I still dont have it all figured out. But I've had wonderful family and friends standing behind me.
I will definitely be out of California come the first oppurtunity to leave. I havent liked it here for a long time. I cant spread my wings here the way that I want to. If I stay here, I'll never be able to afford to get back to school, buy a house or live comfortably financially. That just wont happen. And I want and need so desperately to get my life in order and start living it to my full potential.
This morning I retained an attorney to start helping me get through the financial mess that I've already gotten myself into. That will definitely be a big help in the long run. It means I will be able to stop getting panic attacks and be able to breathe when I think about my bills. Because last night, I layed here for what felt like hours unable to get to sleep with everything weighing on my mind.
I've been having some pretty intense, detailed dreams lately. The kind where you wake up in a cold sweat and it takes you a minute or two to determine that it was just a dream and wasnt real. I've been having alot of dreams about my father. That never sits right with me.
When I woke up this morning and got up to walk, I had this strange feeling in my right leg. It was a feeling that I've never had before. It was the usual numb feeling that I've felt before from MS. It was a sharper, more exact pain. I keep telling myself that I'm going through a stressful time right now and new symptoms that I've never dealt with before may start to pop up. I just need to find a center balance and hold on to it.
There's no doubt in my mind that I'm going to come out on top. That I'm going to make it through this rough patch and someday look back at it all and see it as nothing more than a bump in the road...a pothole. I've always perceived myself to be more of the pessimistic type personality, but lately I've been seeing this optomistic viewpoint that I never knew I had. And it certainly helps. No one ever got anywhere by being pessimistic, right. I've got to be a go-getter!
I've spent way too much time already feeling sorry for myself and focusing on all the bad shit in my life. The doesnt get you anywhere. There's a new Tracey, just bursting to get out here. And she's got a positive attitude and a winning smile. Life may beat her down every now and then, but you can bet she'll just get up, brush it off and forge on. I'm choosing me...I'm choosing to live...I'm choosing to succeed.