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To keeping silence I resigned, my friends would think I was a nut, turning water into wine...open doors would soon be shut
Written at 10:45 a.m. on Tuesday, Aug. 26, 2003

I'm starting to think that no matter how much I paddle, I'm going to sink...no matter what. I'm determined to swim, so that's not a sign of giving up or giving in...its just that I cant go against the tide forever.

This past week has completely worn me down. Just when I think that things are going to get better and they start looking up, somehow I get a wrench in my plans and they all fall to shit. You'd think that I'd be used to it by now, but surprisingly enough...I'm not.

Things at home arent getting much better. Worse if I may say so. Two days ago, "MrBigDaddy" said to me Lets go to Maryland then yesterday (like clockwork) we sit down and have another one of "our" talks. "Our" talks consist of me sitting there listening (fighting back tears) while he contradicts himself repeatedly.

He told me that it would be in my best interest to find someone to rent the extra room when "MrGIjoe" leaves and have him continue to stay in my room. Its beneficial to me because we would have a better chance of remaining together if that were to happen. (His words, mind you) BUT, after three hours of conversation about it, it became extremely clear to me. He wants me to rent the room out to someone else because he's wanting to move out in the end of October/beginning of November. And he thinks it will be easier to move if there's someone else in there...not because he cares at all about saving what little bit there is left to our relationship. But Tracey, just because I wouldnt live here doesnt mean that we wouldnt still be together.

If your relationship is going good and you're happy and you care about making things good...you dont move out of your house. So dont tell me you care when you dont. And dont tell me this is a good idea because it would help our relationship when you dont care about our relationship...doing this just makes you feel less guilty about leaving.

Right now, me working on salvaging this SHITTY ASS, PATHETIC, EVER CHANGING, WASTE OF MY TIME relationship is so far down on my priorty list that I may never get to it. Finding a job and planning my move...#1! That's first and foremost on my mind. I'm over thinking, working, trying, hoping, wanting...it doesnt work without both people.

And what's worse is, my computer at home has decided to die on me. It wont even turn on. Therefore, I'm stuck going to the library or the business center in my apartment complex for now. Just another wrench in my plans, I suppose.

And then to add insult to injury, "MrLightening" has decided to reappear like a thunderous storm out of nowhere. He invited me over to his house last saturday. I decided to go and see what changes he'd been talking about. About five minutes into the visit, I could see there werent any.

I had decided to take "MrGIjoe" with me to insure I wasnt getting in over my head. They hit it off fantastically. Meanwhile, I sat on the sofa wishing I hadnt come. Then when it came time to leave...I wish you didnt have to leave. I just want to spend time with you. I know, we're both with other people, but I love you and want you to come back home...to me. So not happening! I already have one @!*&%'d up relationship...I dont need two.

I was watching a movie the other day and something that the woman said just hit me...like a ton of bricks. She said I'm not crying for you, I'm crying for me. It's time for me to take care of me! You take care of you and I'll take care of me! The time for me has come...no one else is going to do it, right?

So now, sticking with that statement, I'm off to sell my soul for a job...

PS. Thank you all for the notes, emails and everything. I want to respond to every one of you, but being as I dont have internet access at home and are limited, they may be few and far between...but I'll get around to it eventually.

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