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You dont bring me flowers...anymore
Written at 9:39 a.m. on Wednesday, Aug. 27, 2003

I'm finally feeling better than I have been in about 2 weeks. I got a call today for an interview. I go there in a few hours. I'm excited. Its a publishing company right down the street from my house. (crossing fingers, legs, toes, eyes...and anything else that you can possibly cross)

And...I got an email back from a guy interested in the extra room. He wants to set up a time to come by and see it. So that's good news too.

One thing I'm starting to learn is...you build your own happiness. You cant rely on someone else to make it for you. Its too much pressure to build it on someone else...too much pressure for both of you. And that's what I did for so long...I weighed my happiness based on him. On a good day, it'd be tons...on the bad days, however, it'd be ounces at best.

And its time for me to plant my own seeds and watch them grow. To know that I did it on my own. To prove that I am much more than I've allowed myself to believe that I am. That if I really set my mind to it, I can achieve anything. Wait for someone to give me flowers? Psssht, I'll get them myself, thank you.

Last night while laying in bed, his other personality came out. The Dr Jeckyl, so to speak. I'm not going to leave you. Then a little later on, he said You're my wife. To that all I can say is...I think there's a pill you can take for that.

He also said I was too good for him and he's surprised that I still care about him after all of this. I told him the other day There's going to come a time, might not be tomorrow or next year...may be 20 years down the road, but you're going to stop for a second and think to yourself 'I messed up. Tracey is the ONE person who cared about me and would NEVER have hurt me...but I messed up and now its gone'.

I would love for him to step up and be the man that I need him to be. Every now and then I can see traces of that person, but he quickly fades away as fast as he showed up. And I know that person will never stay for very long. He'll make breakfast for me one morning, but by dinner I'm sitting with a stranger again.

Its time I stopped putting everyone else but me first. I've got me to worry about and nothing more. No one else is going to come along and take care of me BUT me. Not that I'm going to become this ruthless bitch or something. But honestly, if I dont watch out for me...who will?

So...I'm going to this interview today with the confidence and grace of the woman I am...not who I've allowed other people to define me as. I'm going to hold my head high and know that I can acheive it and that anything is possible if I really put my mind to it.

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