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I need a big loan from the girl zone
Written at 11:35 a.m. on Saturday, Aug. 30, 2003

I'm still alive...yay! I'm still in good spirits...even better!

This week has been very good to me. I finished my first week at my new job. I really like this place. The people are super-nice to me. I didnt know that work could be like this. I'd spent 9 yrs in a job that just sucked the life force right out of me on a daily basis. I no longer cringe on my way to work, break out in hives or think of it as the "trail of tears". I'm happy and excited to get up and go there every morning.

Yesterday was nice. I found out that every day they pull five people from random and have them throw darts for added bonuses (gift certificates, bonus casual days, longer lunches and money). Ironically enough, yesterday I was chosen. I didnt win anything, but it was nice to stand there and be chosen. (I was always the last one picked in gym class...LOL) A few hours later, they had ordered in 16 pizzas for lunch for all of the employees. This really is a nice place to work at.

Home life is about the same. Nothing ever changes there. Well, fact, it changes so often that by nothing changing I mean that its still teetering back and forth due to his indecisiveness. I heard back from the guy that I showed the extra room to. He's interested in taking it. He still has his apartment until the 15th, but I explained that I still have to pay rent on the first...regardless of when he moves in.

So things are slowly, yet reliably, falling into place. I knew they would eventually. I'm starting to think that I had to go through all of those hard times so that when the good times finally came, I'd fully appreciate them. Any hey, no one ever said that it would be easy, right? If they did, they are a liar.

I'm determined...and stubborn...and hard-headed. I'll make things the best that I can possibly make them. Believe that. And if I cant have things turn out the way that I want, I'll at least put all I have into trying. I've been weak these past 9 months. I'll be the first to admit that. But I also have a confidence now that I didnt have before. I really thought for a while there that I was going to crumble into a million little pieces and scatter into that many directions with the slightest wind. I'm definitely alot more grounded now...two feet and alot more focused.

I'm going to be 28 years old in about 2 weeks. I've watched the last 10 years worth of dreams, goals and ambitions slip away from me. Life's not going to slow down for me and I dont want to see another 10 years get away from me again. Its funny because in a conversation that I had with him ("MrBigDaddy") about a year ago, I told him that I really wanted to go back to school and get my degree. I dont care that I am years behind or that it will take me 10-12 years to accomplish, but I wanted to eventually go to school, get my PhD and become a biopsychologist. I really want to study the chemicals of the brain. Being someone that's always been fascinated with psychology and someone whose brain has turned against them, I cant absorb and learn that stuff fast enough. Its always intrigued me. But when I told him this...he just laughed and told me that there's no way I'll ever become a doctor. What he doesnt know is that only drives me more to succeed...and prove him wrong.

So while talking to my grandmother this morning, I told her about my plans to eventually get out of California...get somewhere where I have family and get back to school. I know I've been moaning about it for a while now, but I'm determined to do it now. I used to think that if I met the right person, I'd settle down and have the fairytale life that every girl has dreamed about. Well, Cinderella was a story, mice dont turn into horses and shoes come in all sizes. My life is what I make of one else.

And one day...I WILL SHINE!