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I'll find someone else...whose nothing like you...two can play the game as well...and you're gonna be sorry baby WHEN ITS OVER!
Written at 2:34 p.m. on Sunday, Aug. 31, 2003

So here I am, sitting again in the business center of my apartment complex on their computer. This is really getting old.

With good news getting better, I met with the guy that's going to be moving into my extra room. He came over this morning, handed me a check and took a key. At first, "MrGIjoe" didnt want to willingly surrender his key to me to give to this guy. Today is the 31st...with tomorrow being the 1st. He didnt want to pay to stay later than this, because I offered, so he agreed to be out. Now, being as he still hasnt patched the walls up from all of the crap he decided to hang up in there, he's going to have to finish that too before he goes.

I think he's a little miffed that I'm asking him to take care of the walls. But if I could, I would take a picture of all of the stuff hanging in there to show you that this isnt me being OCD. He's got military gas masks, camoflauge blankets and crap all over the walls. And they arent held in by tiny little, these are big thick heavy nails. As long as he fixes it before he goes, we wont have any problems.

Last night in a conversation with "MrBigDaddy", he said how he probably wouldnt even recognize his kids because its been so long since he's seen them. Then, he proceeded to tell me that he will raise kids somehow...either those or have more in the future. I dont have to pull my magic 8-ball out to know that him having ANY more kids in the future is a VERY bad idea. What upsets me is there was a time in the beginning of our relationship where he made it clear that he never wanted any all of the sudden he does. I think it just hurts my feelings because there was a time when I wanted him to want children...with me. And I guess that's the part that hurts the most...that if he does, it wont be with me. That's all right, because I'll find someone who doesnt change their mind about EVERYTHING on an hourly basis and can come to a final decision on everything. Hell, ANYTHING!

I've also come to the conclusion that I am NEVER going to rest my finances and living conditions on the status of my relationship with someone again. I'm either going to have a relationship with someone that I dont live with or live with someone in a place that I can afford even if they werent there. How's that for being the decisive one here?

Its funny because as we were talking last night, he was listening to my Disturbed cd. He's been playing the hell out of this cd...particularly this one song. In it, it says Awaken you...With a little evil inside...Feed on your nothing...You'll never live up to me...I've stricken you...Feed on your nothing...And you'll never live up to me. While he was playing it and that part of the song came on, I looked over at him and said "I know this...and I'm not longer trying to live up to you". He then turned and looked at me and said that this song has nothing to do with me, in fact, he said that I'm too good for him. He said that the song reminds him of the women of his past.

With that being said, I've warned him that if this cd is played again with that song on repeat...I will take it out of the cd player and snap it in half...regardless of the fact that the cd is MINE! I really want to just step in there and clean up the mess...kinda like damage control. I want to pick up the pieces and get on with my life. He's right...I am better and deserve so much more. I want someone that I can build a life with. Someone that I can build a family with. Not someone that comes with 3 kids and 2 ex's to boot. I want someone to walk the path with me, not someone that's already walked the course and is doing a second lap with me.

With that, I must get out of here...if I have to hear another second of "MrGIjoe" on the other computer, I may commit hara-kiri. I can feel my mood being altered as I write and I'd rather not feel highly annoyed right now. I like to write my entries in peace...and I'm just not getting that right now.

I cant wait until my computer is fixed!