Written at 3:59 p.m. on Sunday, Sept. 28, 2003
Every day I end up more and more like my mother.
Yesterday I called my mom, because as we all know there's no love like mom's love. She has a way of putting her arm around me three thousand miles away and making it all go away.
As I get older, I realize how much like her I am. She said something that just hit me and made me feel like it was coming right from my very own thoughts. She said I'm not very good at receiving gifts from people. I'm not used to genuinely kind gestures. I'm always wondering what it is that they want in return.
And its true. I think that all of the time. That people, normally, dont do things unless they want something back from you. I'm slowly outgrowing that view the more time I spend with unconditional people. But for the longest time, I held my mother's statement to be true. I just wasnt used to being around people that didnt come with alterior motives.
I never really grew up with high family values. I didnt really know my father's side of the family for many years. I was close to my mom's parents and that was about it. I didnt know what family structure was or that family was a support beam to lean on when you needed it. I knew other families were like that, but I didnt think it pertained to mine.
As I get older, family is starting to mean alot to me. More than I ever thought that they would. They show me every day...I love you and would never hurt you. I know someone else has, but I never would. I'm only here to help, not hurt.
I was telling my mother yesterday about how something happened to my shot the other day and I ended up losing (breaking) one and am now a week behind on my doses. I was telling her how worried I was that the insurance company wouldnt replace it as they only allow me four shots in a month period. She let me vent and get it all out and then said Do what you can, but if it doesnt work out...you let me know and I will take care of it. And when I asked her why she would do that for me, she said Why wouldnt I? You are my ONLY child. I started feeling bad because here I am asking my own mother why she would do something nice for me. Like parents dont do nice things for their children all the time. I'm just not too used to it.
I need to start letting go of the things that bind me. Doubts, insecurities, fear, past failures, self-hatred.
The other day, "MrBigDaddy" said something (THE ONLY THING HE'S EVER SAID) that made sense. He said One day you're going to see that its you, in you, that makes stuff happen. Your constant fear of me leaving for (insert ex's name here) is going to drive us apart. You need to get over this. Or its only going to be because of you that it happens. And he's right. I still hate him, but he's right.
Maybe its because I never fully beleived that anyone could ever love me for me. That I'm not pretty enough or smart enough. That there must be something in it for them. What I didnt realize was that the something in it for them...was me!