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The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades
Written at 2:17 p.m. on Sunday, Oct. 05, 2003

This has been a fan-tab-u-lous weekend!

Yesterday I spent most of my day with "Ms2inchman". We headed out, shopped, had lunch and many laughs in between it all.

I finally went and bought some clothes for work. Much to my surprise, I have dropped 4 pant sizes since the last time I went and bought clothes. That should say something about how often I actually buy clothes.

On the way back home, we were driving in the car listening to the radio and one of those contests came on to be the 12th caller. Just for laughs, I called in to try to win. It rang, a man picked up the phone and told me I was #12. So I won two tickets to see that new George Clooney movie this wednesday.

After all that, we went and to the movie rental place around the corner from my house. I figured that I've had enough fun the day and wanted to relax at home for the night instead of going out...which I NEVER do. So when "THE MAN" got home from work, we went to the grocery store and then went home to watch movies.

Today I did something that I'm not sure if I'll regret or not. I got rid of the blonde hair. I had been talking with a girl that I work with on friday and we were talking about hair color. I had mentioned that I wasnt sure if I wanted to do it or not, mostly because of the fact that he's always pushing so hard for me to do it. I didnt want him to think I did it for him. Well, today I did it. I colored my hair a nice red color. And I dont really care if he likes it or not.

Not to say that I'm becoming this selfish person, but its nice to every now and then put yourself first without any thought or care about someone else. Cant spend your life worrying and trying to please everyone else.

I can feel it coming back. My zest for life. I had lost it and stopped caring about where it had went. I'm happy...more often than not. And that's a pretty good feeling. I've noticed that my body is physically alot happier too. (KNOCK ON WOOD!!!) I dont have as much numbness and tingling as before. And I've realized that things will always work out. They might not work out they way that you want them too, but they will always inevitably work out.

My mother has been a big pillar of strength to me lately. I miss her and cant wait until I'm living alot closer to her. I know she spends alot of time and energy worrying about me. I've been thinking alot about things I can do to make her happier. And the one big thing I can think of is for her to see a peace settlement between me and her husband.

We've never really liked each other. I was the out of control teenager who didnt feel she needed to listen to anyone...and he, he was the guy who never had kids of own and didnt know that teenagers arent always parent-abiding. I used to think I could never let go of the past with him and ever forgive him. I think I can now. I know it would make her happy. And holding on to all that anger isnt hurting anyone but me. It's just been something negative for me to hold on to that does nothing but eat away at me.

I cant even begin to explain what a metamorphosis I've gone through in the past few months. Just looking back over old entries today made me see it. I'm not so cynical and angry as I used to be. I just kinda let everything...roll.

I've let alot of time get away from me. And I cant afford to do that anymore. I spent six years in a bad relationship sleeping my days away. The next year after that in total denial that I could have had any part in that relationship going sour. Another year after that stumbling and trying to figure out who I was because I had lost such a big piece of myself in that relationship. And this year...well, I've kinda just thrown all those years aside and realized I cant go back and retrace my steps, I can only start my journey from here.

I used to think that figuring out who you are meant you had to disect every last little thing about yourself until it made sense. Its never going to make sense and you'll only drive yourself insane trying to get it to make sense. I'm happier...just being happy. Just living every day to its fullest potential. Yeah, some days are going to be alot better or worse than other. THAT'S LIFE! Deal with it!

So now I think I'm going to take this fiery red hair and this even more fiery red attitude...and go home. I've got alot of stuff to do to get ready for yet another work week. One of my magazines exports tomorrow and I'm so NOT ready for that. But, as usual, everyone has been super helpful in places where I dont have answers yet.

And I'm no longer afraid of tomorrow and what it's gonna throw at me...