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What the world needs love, sweet love...
Written at 4:49 p.m. on Friday, Oct. 17, 2003

Well, I suppose the my dilema on whether or not to talk to my aunt answered itself.

Today my cell phone rang and I recognized the number. I couldnt have picked it up even if I had wanted to because I was at work. She left a message she had to talk to me about something, so I called her back. I was shaking. I didnt want her to tell me that she isnt going to be paying for my insurance or anything. That's typical of me, you've probably heard it a million times before...if I bury my head in the sand long enough, it will go ostrich theory.

She was pleasant. Not too much in one direction or another. She asked how I've been. I told her that I LOVE my new job...and then proceeded to list the trillion things I love about it.

At one point she said I'm sure its more stimulating than it was here. And I had to agree with that. I'm constantly on my toes. Checking and double-checking...and checking again all the work that I do. OCD does come in handy there.

One thing that made me happy today was...I was sitting at my desk and I heard the main supervisor guy, the one who hired me, come in and call my name. I looked over at him and noticed there was a woman following behind him. I stood up and she came over to me We want to thank you for all of your hard work you've been doing and name you Employee of the Month. That was so nice being as I've never been anything more than Employee of My Own Worst Nightmares.

Along with that came a certificate, a nice gift certificate and a photo that will be placed in the main office. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I like to be the wallflower. I dont like being the center of attention for anything. Just let me blend in and not stand out and I'm okay with that. But bring some woman into my office to give me praise and everyone clapping...yeah, I turn beet red and want to crawl under my desk to hide until everyone goes away.

AND, I got one more magazine today. That's now four total. I had my first magazine ship yesterday and managed to catch a HUGE production mistake before my magazine shipped. I like to make big impressions in subtle ways...let my work speak for itself.

For the first time, probably EVER, I'm truly finding peace with myself. God, its a humbling experience. I may never be a size two, blonde, 5'8 with loads of money...but I'll live with what I've got and be happy about it. Because too much time can be spent focusing on what's not there to actually enjoy what is.

This morning was kind of like a shock of reality to me. A wake up call that I needed. I woke up this morning and my knee was throbbing badly and my leg in spots was numb. And I always worry (and always will) that this will be the beginning of my downfall with MS. That always brings me back to the important things in life. My family and my health. And I manage to fight a little bit longer.

Because I truly, truly beleive that we all have to go through a little suffering sometimes. It makes us appreciate the good times more when they come. My mother used to tell me No, I'm not going to buy you a car when you turn 16. If you have to work for it, you'll appreciate it more and take better care of it than if I were to just hand it to you. And she's right. She normally is, but dont tell her I said that.

And I truly appreciate everything. I may not have been blessed with the best gifts that money can buy, but I do have the things that are really important. Great family, great friends and for the time being my health. I guess I've had those things all along.

Its funny because sometimes when I'm having a conversation with "MrBigDaddy", he'll tell me about how his mother never really paid any attention to him. Or how his family was never close. And I feel badly for him for not having those things. And I always think to myself how not for one minute did either of my parents ever make me not feel loved or want for anything.

It helps me to understand why he is the way that he is. He's like a scared much as they want to be loved, they will only get so close before they get scared and start to back away. Encouragement, understanding and a PLETHORA of patience.

and now...I smile...