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Where is the life that I recognize...gone away
Written at 4:25 p.m. on Friday, Oct. 31, 2003

It has actually been so long since I've updated that I had forgotten my password...and let my gold membership expires. (which will be corrected shortly).

I havent been feeling well lately. My body aches constantly. I'm hoping that its just a passing phase. My left leg went almost completely numb on me again. It seems to hurt the worst in the middle of the night.

Which means that I dont sleep very well. I've been waking up at night alot and wake up feeling like I got no sleep at all. I hate this. I hate feeling like this.

But yes, I still have to get up and go to work. I still have to cook dinner and do the laundry and ALL of the driving. Because...if I dont do it, who else will. AND I walk around with a smile on my face instead of pouring out the tears that I want to let out because they've built up so much I can hardly contain them.

I'm tired of feeling so tired. I'm tired of feeling so run down all of the time. My doctor thinks that since stress brings out my symptoms, I'm having a delayed reaction from all of the stress a couple of months ago. Because I thought it strange that I would relapse when I'm the most happiest I've been in a long time instead of when I was at my lowest. The brain...go figure!

Right now all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. But I know as soon as I lay down that tired feeling will leave and I'll be up staring at the walls.

I have to constantly force myself not to fall into depression again. I remind myself that this is just a passing moment and the next moment could bring me something different. It could leave as quickly as it came.

Its sad, because I stare back at my life and how it was this time last year...when I still had a life. When I would actually go out and do things...instead of hibernating in my house sheltering the rest of the world out.

But again, I just remind myself that there's people with bigger problems than mine. I was watching a news special on a teenage boy who has Cerebral Palsy...and is on the track team at school. He runs 3 1/2 miles everyday. It takes him a few hours and alot of nasty falls, but he finishes it...every day. And how can I complain about my life after watching that? I cant. Makes everything else seem kinda insignificant.

Life...its nothing more than weights and balances.