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You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
Written at 4:46 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003

Where have I been? Its been a while, eh?

Not too much is going on at this immediate moment. Just breathing and well, existing the best I can.

My relapse is over, I think. And I finally feel a million and one times better than I did before. If it werent for the love of my friends and family sometimes, I just dont think I'd be as strong as I am.

I was talking to my mother the other day on the phone and she said You're everything I want to be, you're so strong. If she only knew how many times a day I just want to crack at the seams and crumble into a million pieces that scatter in that many different directions. I'm good at pretending I'm strong...when reality is, I cant even tell you how much of a facade it really is.

This week has been hard and trying, yet exactly what I needed.

Over this past weekend, I was sitting and talking to "MrBigDaddy" about things. He's been telling me that I have trust issues and I need to let go of them and get over all that we've been through. I asked him to look me in the face and tell me that he wouldnt rather be with his ex than me and that I'd let it all go and never bring it up again if he could. He couldnt.

He just kept telling me that I dont understand, that she has his children and he misses them more than life. After what felt like a day-long conversation, I finally told him that I need to respect myself. And that if I stay with him, I cant do that. I've already lost so much respect for staying as long as I have. I told him that we need to set a date (tomorrow, next week, next month) and that we both need to just bail on this relationship. I'm not happy, havent been for a long time.

I truly wanted him to say Yes, of course Tracey, I'd rather be with you...how can you even question that?...instead I got I dont know. If you both were standing here, I dont know what I'd do. And at that moment, I did crumble into a million different pieces scattering to every corner of the world. I broke.

And I think he thinks I'm full of shit. And as we all know, I'm not one to exactly stand up and back up the threats I've made to him in the past. Last night I noticed boxes when I came home. I was slightly relieved until I noticed these boxes didnt come in empty. He's actually bringing boxes full of his stuff INTO the house. For what, I dont know.

I'm also killing him with kindness. I've been almost borderline fake-nice to him. Its sickening when instead of being extremely nice to him, I just want to sock him in the face.

There is someone...someone who is going to appreciate what I have to give. Someone who is going to make me not question whether they deserve it. Someone who is going to give back if only by half. Someone who is not going to make me question their intentions. Someone who is going to let me just breathe instead of holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Last night, I went to the movies and saw Love Actually. Great movie! It made me cry throughout the entire movie. The wife whose husband is cheating. Its that point when you find out that the heart you gave is set aside without thought, while they give their heart to someone else. Or maybe it was seeing all the love and wanting that SO much you can feel a physical change in you just watching it because you want a love like that so badly.

I dont know...

Maybe I'm just naive in thinking that any relationship can ever be like that. He laughs at me and tells me I'm glad you think there's still that much goodness and love in the world, there isnt but I'm glad you still think and hope for it.

If I have no hope, I have nothing.

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