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Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Written at 12:54 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 15, 2003

Well, I'm still standing...that has to count for something, right?

Its funny because this morning I was talking to my roommate. He was telling me about how he got pulled over last night for speeding. The cop had asked him if he was drinking and he admitted that he had a few drinks, but wasnt drunk. After the conversation, he said I really think that was a sign for me to watch out and be more careful about the choices I make...and their consequences. Everything happens for a reason, Tracey.

I couldnt agree more!

My health has actually come back better than it was before. I feel great for the first time in years. I still feel tingling in my legs, I'll probably feel that forever. And I may never get 100% feeling back in my hands. But if I can still walk, I'll complain about nothing.

I'm starting to think that while my life may not being going in the direction that I want it to at this particular time, its probably the direction that I need to be headed in. That I might not see it at this time, but in the long run I'll see that it took me somewhere better than I wanted to go in the first place.

I've been starting to get out of the house a little more and go out with friends. Its ironic because I was talking with a co-worker about a friend of hers and she said I dont see her much now that she has a boyfriend. She doesnt seem to know how to have a boyfriend and friends at the same time. We'll see her when they break up, I suppose.

And I started thinking...THAT'S SO ME! And I dont want to be that way anymore. So lately, I've been getting out more. And I feel better when I do that. I'm meeting "MsAngelic" at the gym in about 30 minutes. Its a nice way to work off my anger, get out of the house and spend some much needed time with her. I miss my friends. I miss nights at "Cheers". I miss the way things used to be before he came along and scrambled things up and changed me into the person HE wanted me to be. I look in the mirror and want to get sick every time I see what I've done to my hair.

So I think after the gym I'm going to go to the salon and change it back. Because...THAT's WHAT I WANT!

I'm taking care of me now. No one else but me is going to do it.

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