Written at 4:26 p.m. on Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003
Its been a weird week for me. Its kinda like one morning I woke up in a parallel universe that I cant seem to get out of.
The other day my supervisor comes in to my office and asks me if I can get my old boss on the phone so he can verify some info for HR. So, I called her and acted sweet as pie. We were talking about my new job when she quietly in almost a whisper said, "Do you want your job back?"
That floored me!
It was very tempting, but I LOVE MY NEW JOB! I laugh away 90% of my day and work with some really great people. I just told her that I would have to call her back later to talk about that. As of yet, I still have yet to call her.
Things at home are going in a peculiar direction. The other night I had a huge, probably the biggest, fight I've ever had with "MrBigDaddy". Basically, I'm pathetic and annoying and nobody likes me, not even my friends (oxymoron!?!). Oh, and the only reason he's been here this long is because he owes me money and because I'm easy. These were all words straight out of his mouth. He's really lucky I didnt punch him in it. It took all I had not to.
He also told me that I'm responsible for his kids not being here. "You had to tell her that it was your cell phone. You wanted to hurt her, you wanted to hurt me...well the only person you hurt is two little kids that dont have a father now." As if I put those kids on a Greyhound bus and sent them off to Tennessee. ITS NOT MY FAULT AND I WONT ALLOW HIM TO HANG HIS PROBLEMS ON ME!
So the next day he calls me and tells me that he's not coming home because he'll be working all night, but will call me in the morning. First off, it was probably the best nights sleep I've had in a year. I didnt toss and turn...and oddly enough, I didnt miss him once. I think I could really get used to not having him in my house, life or anything. We agreed he's to be moved out Dec 1st.
Then yesterday, he comes home and acts like nothing has happened. I told him, "You're comments hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me using words. (he apologized) Its like taking a board and hammering nails into it. You can take the nails out, but the holes are still there. Same with words, once you say them you cant take them back".
I'm done...its the same feeling with him as with the job offer to come back...I've tasted the good life (without the job or the man)...and I kinda like it. I could definitely get used to being without both.
No one talks to me like that!
He once told me, "sometimes people can say or do something that will make you lose all the feelings you ever had for them". Well, that night...that conversation...everything I ever held for him poured right out of me. There are no feelings left for him.
First thing I'm doing this weekend is meeting up with "MsAngelic" at the salon and getting my nice blonde hair back...for me! Because that's what I want and I'm not going to settle for what someone else wants me to be. I have to live and love for me.
Just another stage in my ever metamorphosing life, I suppose.