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I will always have your back and be curious about you...
Written at 3:18 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 29, 2003

This has been the worst Thanksgiving...EVER!

Up until the day of Thanksgiving I had no idea what I would be doing. I really dont have family here and I didnt want to intrude on my friends and their Thanksgiving with their own families. "MsMoHoney" had invited me to go with her. That's usually what I do every Thanksgiving. If it werent for her, I'd have spent alot of holidays alone.

I just wanted so badly to be with my family. I called my grandmother and couldnt get two words out before I broke down crying to her. This was absolutely the worst Thanksgiving.

I ended up getting up and going to the grocery store to at least get something to cook. I ended up making a chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing...all the other traditional stuff. It just felt so lonely. Granted, I had "MrBigDaddy" here, but after he ate, he went back to sleep for another six hours. So it was almost like being alone anyway.

Yesterday, we ended up going out and doing a little window shopping. Things between us have gotten worse...alot worse. We've both mutually agreed that we need to end this relationship. But then a couple days go by without fighting and we usually forget that anyone is going anywhere. This time I've been pushing the fact that he needs to move.

So this morning after a few round of "You're pathetic, no one likes you, your friends cant stand you, you're a fat piece of shit, you'll never have anyone", I told him to give me the money he owes me and get out of my house and my life for good. He got dressed and walked out the front door.

I lose a little more of my self-respect every day that I'm with him. I used to think that I was the lucky one...now I see that I'm a fool. I also see that I could spend the rest of my life beating myself up trying to make this man happy, but it will never be enough for him. I've changed my hair color for him. I've starved myself trying to lose weight. I've given him all I have and lost myself along the way. I miss just being me.

I'm not going to miss him as much as I thought I would. I'm going to go out and meet people and have fun. I'm going to feel good about myself and dump this self-loathing that I've been carrying around for the last year. I'm going to care about me instead of everyone else.

I just feel like I've wasted a whole year of my life being unhappy when if I had changed things when they started to go sour, I might be happy this very second instead of feeling like my heart spilled out on the table. And for feeling like the idiot for thinking I could ever make this work. And now I accept my defeat. That I cant change people, no matter how hard I try. That some things are just out of my hands.

So now, once again, I'll just pick up the pieces and keep going.

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