Written at 1:53 p.m. on Sunday, Dec. 21, 2003
I know...I have been gone for some time. Way too long if you ask me.
Since the last time I was here, so much has changed with me. If you look directly at it, you wouldnt see any changes unless you peeled back a few layers. I was to the very brink of insanity and if it werent for a few very close friends that had to slap me back into reality, well, I would have lost it.
The tall and short of it is, I had to take back what rightfully belongs to me...my self-worth, self-confidence and a lot of self-love. I'm never going to allow myself to get into that position again. Where I hate everything about myself. I'm the one person that's supposed to love me the most, right?
This year has seen alot for me...and I cant wait to see this year end. My biggest New Year's resolution is to be a better person...to myself and others. I know that sounds so cliche', but I cant think of anything better to improve on. Ok, well, I still have to stick to going to the gym alot more often than I actually do. I need to stick with it.
Its funny because not too long ago I had been talking to "MrBigDaddy" about quitting smoking and told him I didnt beleive him, that he never sticks to the things he says he's going to do. He told me "Just once it would be nice to hear you support me and have faith in me". And then I realized that I dont really support him like I tend to think I do.
It was "MsMoHoney" that really opened my eyes to that. She said, "You are a bit hard on him sometimes...calling him stupid (in a jokikng way always) and things like that. I never said anything before because I thought you knew this. If you didnt say things like that and did support him more...you'd change the entire dynamics of your relationship".
And it worked...
I've been letting the little neurosis that I've had for the last year go and have been putting forth a conscious effort to be a better person. In return, he's been a lot more open with me, way more affectionate and we get along alot better. He's always bringing me home something...cute little stuffed animals, roses, candy bracelets that say "I LOVE YOU". Its so much better now. The actual relationship is there. Its just not two people living together.
This last month was what did it. We were both at a breaking point and did and said some really hurtful things to each other. Finally, we both just got to a point where we looked at each other and said "I love you. You either want this to work or you dont. We're either a team or we're not".
One night we were sittting there after a weekend of arguing and were both being quiet, when he started crying and said "I know I told you that I could never get close to someone again...but I'm ready to let you in, I need you close to me". And all of the hurt just kinda went away. Its not all kittens and rainbows, but it sure is alot better than what it was.
Everything has been progressively getting better for me. My health, aside from a slight cold, is great. I dont ache as much as I used to.
I'm really enjoying my job. We had a semi-company Christmas party friday night at a local restaraunt/bar. Everyone but me and a few other co-workers were outside on the patio the entire night. I work with such a wonderful, eclectic group of people. It was alot of fun getting to know them outside of the office. (Note to self: next company get together...eat more, drink less!)
I'm hoping this will be a great holiday. I have big hopes and dreams for the New Year!