Starting over, got nothing to lose
Written at 12:22 p.m. on Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004
I truly believe that there isnt anything put in front of you that you cant overcome. Things may not always work out the way that you intend for them to...but inevitably, they will work out in the end.
I've been so tired lately...mentally and physically. I've been coming in to work at 6:30am every day so that I can leave at 3, take Matt to work by 4, go home and sleep until 2 am, then drive 30 mins to pick him up from work, be back home by 3am...then back to work at 6:30 to do the entire thing all over again. THIS SUCKS!
I'm thinking that I'm going to move out of my apartment within the month and get my own place again. I'm just tired of dealing with things. I'm tired of taking care of every one else...and having no one take care of me. I'm going to start over...again...alone. Been there, done that...shouldnt be too hard the fourth time around.
I just want to live in a place that I dont have to rely on anyone else. Every time Matt gets a little irritated at something, "Fine, I'll just move out then." And its getting a little tiresome. This relationship will NEVER go any where. And I'm not so sure that I really want it to. I just want a little peace and I'm not about sacrificing another 6 years to an awful relationship to realize that I'm not going to get it here. Time is too precious for that. I cant waste a second.
I used to think that I couldnt do any better than this...him, this situation, this life. Now I see just how very wrong I was. I'm 28 years old (and not getting any younger). Someday, I would love to get married and have a family of my own. That's virtually impossible to do with someone who swears he'll never get married and already has three kids of his own and has decided that he doesnt want any more...ever (not that he should, I mean really, he already has THREE!). So basically, I'm just spinning my wheels here...wasting my time and energy.
Not to mention that we fight ALL OF THE TIME. I'm bored with him. I'm tired of sitting at home with him doing nothing. I cant get him to leave the house except for work.
I just hate this, because every day I'm resenting him more and more. I'm starting not to respect him as a person. I cant get him to understand...words are the harshest weapon that you can use when having an argument. He just thinks, "Oh well, the fight is over and all is well again." But his words linger behind. You cant take words back. And he has a way of turning the slightest disagreement into a full on personal attack...then wonders why I cant let go of some of the hurtful things he says.
That's why I need to get on with my life without him.
Hey, I may take you up on that NJ thing, Gina. :)