Written at 10:45 a.m. on Monday, Apr. 19, 2004
Okay, NOW I can say that I've done it...
I spent my entire day yesterday driving around looking at apartments...AND I FOUND ONE! So, if all goes well, I'll be moving into my new place on the 23rd. And its beautiful, I mean gorgeous. I am so excited.
I finally broke down and told him. We both mutually agreed that it was for the best that we split and start seeing other people. Only thing is, he wanted to remain living together. NO WAY! My heart would break every time he didnt come home or every time his phone rang or every time he left the house. It just wouldnt be a nice scene for me. I need to cut all ties and start over...again.
Its made for an interesting atmosphere at my house. I'm trying to be nice, but its not coming out. I want to be mean. So mean that he fights back and makes it easier for me. I want to hate him. I want to leave the false hopes that have always pulled me back in the past.
I'm hating that he's not hurting more. Then on the other hand, I start feeling guilty when I think of him hurting. All I can say is, he caused this to happen...he has no one to blame but himself. Any one else would have walked out on him long before this. I think he never thought that I would actually go through with it. For a while there, neither did I.
I feel good when I think of a fresh start in a new place. But then get sad at thinking of doing it alone. In this case, its much better for me to be alone. I've always said, "Letting go is hard, but sometimes holding on hurts more."
Either way, right now this hurts...