If at first you dont succeed, dust yourself off and try again...
Written at 8:52 p.m. on Friday, Jul. 09, 2004
I am still here. I know I've been MIA for a while now, but I am fully 100% back now.
I feel like I've been to hell and back on my sabatical...literally. I've been dealing with my demons...physically and mentally.
Physically, I've been waxing and waning alot. I've been waking up on the weekends feeling so sick with a headache and fever. It makes my weekends, my only two days off work, MISERABLE! My legs are numb and tingling all the time...but I still refuse to give up. I amaze myself sometimes when I dig deep and find this strength and empowerment that I didnt even know that I had. It gets me through the days, I tell ya.
Mentally, I've been to places that I didnt even know existed...both good and bad. I had taken a deep breath and a big step back from my life and the world for a while there. I am still taking the walk back and digging myself out. But its another thing I wont give up on. I tell you, if it werent for my friends I dont know what I'd do. Monique, Angel, Lauren and Kelly...they're four friends who never give up on me no matter how many times I've let them down. They continue to pick me up when I fall.
My mother, who deserves a whole book not just a paragraph continues to be my strength...even if its only over the phone from a distance of three thousand miles away. No matter how far, she still holds my hand and dusts my knees off for me. She is this eternal happy place that I can go to whenever I need laugh...or a hug...or just someone to cry along with me.
I know this sounds like an Oscar award acceptance speech. Its just that I've just recently opened my eyes again after what feels like a Rip Van Winkle sleep and am finally seeing everything for the beauty that it is, not this contaminated world that I've concocted in my head. It is what you make it, right? I'd spent so long focusing on what I didnt have that I didnt see what I did have. And its more than I ever could've hoped for.
And its getting better every day...