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Written at 10:49 a.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 19, 2004

I feel like a small child not getting their way. I feel as if I want to drop to the floor and start kicking and screaming until I get my way. But I dont forsee e winning this temper tantrum.

I'm in a weird place right now. Not very justifiably pissed off would be more accurate. I am so thoroughly upset aznd I'm not sure if I have any right to be.

I knew Matt has been very depressed lately. His kids' birthdays are both coming up very soon...within a few weeks. So he tells me last night that he is going to go to Tennessee and visit them. Well, over my very single, non-attached body you can go. I dont trust him enough to go. I know that says something right there. If that doesnt scream a million words.

My point is...about a year ago, we were going to split up and he was going to reconsile with her. He misses his kids so bad. So bad that he would actually stage a reconsile behind my back. I dont know if I'm just being overly neurotic. But I wouldnt be surprised if I'm right on this one. He'd attempt anyting to get his kids back...even if that means stabbing me to get what he wants.

How can I tell him he cant see his kids when it pains him so much not to? lthough, how can I not tell him that I wont be here when he gets back?