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I want make something beautiful, but I cant find inspiration
Written at 3:15 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 13, 2004

Dear Tracey,
Here is your horoscope for Saturday, November 13:

Don't beat yourself up about the one who got away, or the job you shouldn't have quit or the apartment you shouldn't have moved from. Don't get too wrapped up in yesterday. Today looks wonderful -- and tomorrow, too.

You could've blown me off my chair with a breath when I read that. ALL THREE ARE THINGS I BEAT MYSELF UP ABOUT ON A DAILY BASIS. I'm going to take a deep breath and let it all go...the boy, the job, the apartment. I dont forsee myself getting any of them back. So for now, its just best to let go and move ahead. I've always said letting go hurts, but sometimes holding on hurts alot more. And I'm over hurting...on to healing.

I've decided whole-heartedly that I'm going back to school in January. I'm going to finish getting my ECE units (I have 9 out of 12 that I need), get through the next 6 months...and get the hell out of dodge. This place has grown stale to me. Very stagnant and mondane.

I need to start something new...a new life. I need to leave behind all my doubts and insecurities and start over with a completely fresh beginning...no strings or lose ends. I need to leave the fat girl with the bad taste in men and the low self-esteem and inability to change anything behind. I'm better than all that. I cant prove it to anyone else if I cant prove it to myself first. I'm not that girl anymore. She needs to be buried and laid to rest...she doesnt reside here anymore. I'll always remember her though. But now I look back at her with pity instead of disgust.

There is a life waiting for me somewhere, but I'm never going to find it unless I get up off my ass and do something to change the direction I'm going in. Time to stop looking for signs and just get on the right road for once...no back-tracking either.

I have 6 months to get my ducks in a row...no procrastinating either. I can do this. FOCUS!

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