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After the rain washes away my tears...
Written at 11:25 a.m. on Monday, Nov. 29, 2004

I think Mercury is in retrograde...or something. Or I really pissed off some "higher-ups".

I have been this emotional ball of tears and chaos these past few days. With a little panic and anxiety thrown into the mix just for fun. Except, nothing has really been fun lately.

Yesterday morning, I did something that I promised myself that I'd never do again...go snooping where my big nose didnt belong. Oh, I snopped. And as always, I didnt really like what I found. I got into his phone again. I got into his voicemail again too. And what I found wasnt pretty. Messages from his ex (the one with the two kids) and she's just crying and crying. "If you care anything about me, you'll call me back. I need to get back to California, I cant stay here". And my heart just dropped. Because I just cant have her here...mucking up what isnt already mucked up. I like her a few thousand miles away. And I'm selfish...when it comes to crap like this. I know he wants to see his kids. Bring on the kids, just leave her right where she is.

So he asks me yesterday about the stuff left at Monique's house. He says that he wants some stuff for "our apartment". But my little over-worked, neurotic, paranoid mind says no, because maybe (just maybe) he's wanting to get this stuff to set "her" up in a place. Set "them" up in a place.

And then there's Chris. Just adding insult to injury. He's bypassed sublteness and just outright invited me to come to live. And he's kinda putting some pressure on me and I dont really like that. I mean, he's only pressuring me to think about it, but I cant even think about it because I'm so overwhelmed with everything else right now. And I really hate the power of choice and decisions. Because I'm not really all that good at it. I'd much rather have someone say "this is what you're going to do, no questions asked". Because I hate making decisions. Only because I've done it so poorly in the past.

Then there's Monique...where my heart really is. And my heart cracked a little bit more when she called me last night and told me how the trailer and the truck flipped over on the highway and she lost everything that she had taken with her. She was so carefully selective about what she took, leving behind alot...just to lose what she took anyway. And I just want to pack up my car and head out on an 8-hour drive.

I am just so tired of thinking, and feeling...and thinking some more. And I just want a time-out. I just want to sit out long enough to catch my breath and re-group. I need to shut down and restart. Or I may overload and short curcuit.

I just keeping waiting for the calm after the storm...but all I get is another storm.