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swallow it down, like a jagged little pill
Written at 12:57 p.m. on Monday, Dec. 06, 2004

Hello, Tracey...this is the pot calling...YOU'RE BLACK!

i've never said that I am perfect, hell, I've never implied it either. So when I say that I might have a tinge of hypocracy in me...it might be a little more than a tinge.

I met someone. I met someone nice. And he adores me to pieces. And he adores my blonde hair and my nose ring and all of my little idiosyncrasies. And he is so sincere and heartfelt in everything he says and does. He offers to pick me up lunch every day since I usually work right through my lunch.

So here is where my "kettle-ness" lays. He's 6'4 and almost 300 lbs. It isnt a matter of his weight as much as it mine. I've busted my ass to lose 120 lbs. Its been a long, hard road that's taken me 4 years to walk. I just am afraid of someone walking into my life and bringing their bad habits with them. dont want to fall into that rut again like I did with Curt and just let myself go like that again. Not to mention, I'm just not all that attracted to him because of it. I know that makes me sound like the most shallow person alive. Really...I'm not. If he made it seem like someone working on it or someone who would work with me on it, it wuld be a different story. But he's not and its not.

So for the past month I've been trying to keep a safe distance. More like a safe emotional distance. The other day we were talking about the holidays. He said the only person he has to buy gifts for is his daughter. Jigga-who? He never mentioned that he has a 5 yr old daughter. He could sense in my voice that something was wrong. So when he asked me if that was going to be a problem for me, all I could say was "I dont think I have it in me to get involved with someone that has kids. You just dont know what I've gone through in the past 4 yrs and I know its very cliche to let a past experience determine future paths, but I cant help it". So he told me to take some time and think about it and let him know if I've changed my mind.

I feel bad because it just seems like here is this great guy that hasnt faulted me on anything and here I am picking at every one of his. I feel so hypocritcal. I feel so wretched and everything I didnt want to be. I want to call him and at least maintain a "friendship" status, but I havent conjured up the nerve yet.

What's for dinner? A nice slice of humble pie to go with that "black" tea.

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