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And I ran...I ran so far away
Written at 6:36 p.m. on Thursday, Jan. 06, 2005

Last night I had a dream that I was running. dont know if I was running to or from something...just that I was running. I didnt remember the dream until I said something to my co-worker about not being able to run after him if I could...after he said some smart-ass comment about having to catch him first. So it got me to thinking (something I am known to do occasionally). I didnt really make any New Year's resolutions this year. I dont make them only because I know now that I will never keep it. Instead I made goals this year. Little goals that I can work on with minimal pressure on myself. One big goal is to run. I mean run as in put on my tennis shoes and run until I am out of breath running. It may only be half a block, but that's okay. I just want to run. I dont mean be some Olympic runner running miles. That would be great and all, but I just want the capability of running. Knowing that I can move faster than a swift walk. I just want to know that I can do it. That if I were in a life or death situation and someone was chasing me, that I have more options other than falling down and playing possum. I just want more options in life. And I think the more options I have, the better I will feel...and the better I feel, the more positive outlook I will have on this disease...and the more positive I am, the better my chances are. Right?

I am very open about my illness. Believe me I dont brag about it, but I dont hide it either. Mostly because I am so fascinated by it. I have always been fascinated by the brain and how it works...or in my case doesnt. In passing conversations I've heard about someone's mother who has it and what medication they take and how they're doing with it. Or what to do to help and what to avoid. I get alot of interesting looks and alot of "Wow, I would never have guessed that you had MS or anything else" and "You look and act like nothing is wrong". Good! Plan to keep it that way.

I am only rambling on because I did my shot myself again tonight. And its really not that bad. I am trying to grab a hold of what I can have control over and run with it. I'd rather have my health in my hands rather than rely on someone else to do it for me. I say that because again I was left with no one to do it for me today. And I realized that as knowledgable as I am about my disease, it wont help me if I cant even administer my own shot to help me stay healthy. Because I know when I hear the "you look great for someone who has MS" after I tell them I've been diagnosed for almost three years (three years June 15th), I know I want to hear the same thing down the road ten, twenty, thirty years from now.

And that, that is my biggest, most important, life-long goal that I just will not give up on.