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Yeah I'm falling
Written at 11:20 a.m. on Sunday, Jan. 16, 2005

I would love to say that this weekend has been filled with alot of ups and downs...but its been mostly alot of downs.

First, I fell down AGAIN. Yes, again. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. Friday night, we were leaving to go grab dinner. Matt was dumping the trash. When I fell, I looked around to see if he saw me and I heard the sound of the bag hitting the dumpster. Whew! That was until 2 seconds later when I heaard, "Oh my, are you okay?" coming from my neighbor. There was no hiding it now. Whatever.

So yesterday morning, I'm sleeping up until the phone rings and its Matt's boss...or should I say ex-boss. They are having a really ugly seperation. They act like an old married couple fighting over a pre-nup or something. Either way, the boss felt the need to call me up and get me involved in all of this shit. So I had to go down there, but once I got there I had no idea what I was even doing there. See, they share a shop and Matt needs to get his stuff out. Unfortunately, the new shop wasnt ready to move into yet. So I went home.

Matt's boss is an ass. He thought that maybe I'd jump on his side by telling me all of the shit Matt does behind my back. His phone calls were all damn day...nonstop. First it was, "Matt never shuts up about his ex and is always talking about how she wants to get back together". He even said that all she wants is money and if Matt lets me get away, it will be the biggest mistake he ever made. Like I didnt know that. Then, he proceeded to tell me how he isnt going to air Matt's dirty laundry, but there is some and I should start with this girl Melina.

Oh Melina, how I almost forgot about her. I hadnt thought about her for a long time. So with a little encouragement from Matt to call her, I did. All she could say was, "Eww, Matt...NO!" So either she's a very convincing liar or she's telling the truth. Either way...I have hit bottom. My breaking point.

Let's just say that right now he's cleaning his new shop to make room for the crap he has at my house. I've been way too unhappy for way too long. So, no big argument, no shouting...just a "you have to go now". Last night, I had him sleep on the floor, because I didnt want him to misinterpret anything and/or think I've caved like I have a million times before. This time...its done.

I dont want to be this person anymore. I dont want to always be checking his cell phone or voicemails. Or snooping looking for shit. I have the potential for so much happines...and it isnt with this man. And once you lose trust for someone, its incredibly hard (if not, impossible) to get it back again. And I dont have it in me to try anymore. He's become this ugly person that I havent been able to look in the face for the past three months.

So here it is...Tracey looking like an idiot and lots of "I told you so"'s. That's alright...I know I'm idiot and I know if been told already.

Moving on...