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And I fear...I have nothing to give and I have so much to lose...
Written at 10:27 a.m. on Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005

I'm really scared. The last time I moved like this was from Maryland to California ten years, 3 months and 25 days ago...but who's counting? Anyway, my point is...then I didnt have anything to lose. And I'm kinda scared at what I might lose if everything doesnt go right.

A job...I need a job. And I need a job with kick-ass medical benefits. And I need to be sure that I have the option available to carry COBRA until I get benefits. Is COBRA available out of state? These are things that I seriously need to figure out.

Apartment...I need a place to live...that's kinda important. My car is not big enough for my cat and me. I know that isnt going to be a big problem. I can get a three bedroom, three bathroom, two-story townhouse with a two car garage...for $800 a month. Is that not insane? I pay $1600 now for a little two bedroom apartment. Its so much cheaper there.

I'm just scared period. I am a Virgo...and we dont like change. We like to live in our structured little world where everything is perfectly planned out for us. We dont like surprises...unless they come in gold, diamond or green paper. We like control and I feel so very out of control right now. Its like being scared of change even when the change could be very good...which I am sure when my paranoia subsides, I will see it as all good.

And there's Monique...who I'm sure will help me in any way that I might need it. That's what best friends are for, right? I have to keep remembering that she will be there too. Because I dont want to slip and fall right on my face.

More than anything, I am just worried about my health insurance...carrying COBRA over and getting a job with good benefits.

Breathe Tracey...everything is going to be okay.