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Every day is a winding road...
Written at 4:35 p.m. on Monday, Feb. 07, 2005

I had a bad day today. Well, every day is bad, but this was worse.

I try not to make this a journal of my pain, but lately that is all that I've become. My body aches, I mean really just aches from head to toe. I've lost feeling in both my legs AND both arms and hands. So as much as I try not to makes this "that MS girl's diary"...well, that is all that this has become, because that is about all that I have become.

Because I havent been feeling well, today was harder than any normal day. To say that I had a complete and utter breakdown would be more accurate. I just snapped inside my own little mind. I called my doctor's office just pleading for them to squeeze me in. Which thankfully they did. I just cried the whole way there. Cried again when I couldnt find a parking space except the one little spot that was almost overtaken by the cars parked on both side. So I promised myself that I would not cry when I got inside. I almost had it until the nurse, while watching my attempt to stand on the scale, says "You are walking a little gingerly today. Are you ok?" There is this big part of me that just wants to grab the scale and smack him with it and say "No, and I didnt walk gingerly yesterday...and I didnt the day before...and well, tomorrow's not looking so hot either". But instead I just smiled and said yes. Finally, the doctor came in and handed me a box of tissue and said he wanted to give me a cortizone steriod shot...that this would make me feel better. That big part of me again wants to talk and say "Well, you know what would me feel better Doc? If you dug a little deeper in your bag of tricks there and pulled me out a cure". But again, I opted to just say Thanks, I am willing to try anything". So I did...a nice big steriod shot into my left ass cheek. Because, no matter what...the polite side usually prevails.

SO he said that I should feel a little better by tonight. My GAWD I hope so. I just dont know how much more I can take of this. I hate waking up just curious if I can still walk today. Because that is what it is. Every night before is another crap roll. I feel triumphant just making it to the shower in the mornings. And this is a horrible feeling. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy.

Another thing my doctor brought up was the EMG that my neurologist wanted to send me to. He mentioned it right away. So I am going to do it...March 4th. It is a little different than it was first explained to me as. It is electrodes...needle electrodes that go into your muscles and the electrode is able to determine which nerve it is connected with...or something like that. They kinda lost me at needle electrode, so as it was explained to me I didnt hear anything but this loud voice in my head (coming from that big part of me) screaming "Needle? Did you just say needle? Because if you did, I dont need your explanation because I'm not going". So today that little part of me, told that big part of me "Shut up! We need to do this so try to pay're gonna need it". Yay for the little part.

So now I'm home and its still daylight. Its really nice. I'm not used to this at all.