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Fuck what I said...it dont mean shit now
Written at 10:01 p.m. on Monday, Apr. 04, 2005

Today...well, today I'm taking my life back.

I fear if I dont do something soon, the hole that I've sunk in to just may consume me. COMPLETELY! And I'm just not ready to give up yet. And I also think that one of the first steps is honesty...especially being honest with myself. So let's start here...an honest entry.

Where do I begin? Because I havent been dishonest so much as I just havent been completely honest. So let's just take a small, scary (more for me) walk. My life for the last REAL months...

Matt...(you knew it was coming)...never totally left. He thought it'd be more fun, and more torment for me, to talk a good game, show no real actions and leave me more disappointed with him than I ever had been. He was starting to get things together, which was nothing more than a cheap facade. I had to tap into his voicemail on a daily basis just to hear the truth. Which only led to me having to "out" myself to get him to understand that I now know the truth. He talked a good game about wanting to go and get an apartment together, since my lease is up this month. Only to have me dig and find out that he went and signed a lease on a new place...with his mother. And then deny it when confronted.

He is never...and I mean NEVER going to be the man I need him to be. So I'm just spinning my wheels waiting on someone to remove their head from their ass when its quite apparent that its surgically attached. Fuck that! Life is too short. He should feel honored that I gave him almost three years of my life. Not another day, hour or minute will be spent on him. Go lie to your mother and let her take care of your sorry ass. This hotel/rest stop is closed...indefinitely. I just want to bang my head against somehting very hard until the answer to "what the hell were you thinking, dumb broad?" falls out and slaps me in the face with a "because you're a very stupid, stupid woman" to answer my question. GAWD, I am so very, very clueless.

So this weekend, I will be resigning a new lease with my roommate. And I like to think I am getting a second chance at getting it right. Doing what I should have done a year ago...clean out the trash in my life. Good riddens to bad rubbish!

I've promised myself that I am actually going to get up and get on with my life this time instead of cracking at the very first promise...that will never be kept. I am not going to sedate myself and sleep away every waking moment like I have been. I am over that. Life is more important than just sleeping through it in a hazy, heavily medicated fog. I have myself to take care of now.

So when you think about leaving me a note telling me how you told me so, please dont. I feel badly enough already. I've already beaten myself up abut this. I just needed to write a little honesty for once.

~~~~~~~~~~
Lyrics :

Whoa oh oh
Ooh hooh
No No No

[Verse 1:]
See I dont, know why, I liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, I loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know that I feel

[chorus:]
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, it didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you ho, I dont want you back

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you ho, I dont want you back

[verse 2:]
You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another hag, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you ho, I dont want you back

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you ho, I dont want you back

Oh oh Oh oh
Uh hun yeah
Oh oh Oh oh
Uh hun yeah
Oh oh Oh oh
Uh hun yeah
Oh oh Oh oh
Uh hun yeah

Ya questioned, did I care
You could ask anyone, I even said
Ya were my great one
Now its, over, but I do admit im sad
It hurt real bad, I cant sweat that, cuz I loved a ho

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you ho, I dont want you back

Oh oh Oh oh
Uh hun yeah
Oh oh Oh oh
Uh hun yeah
Oh oh Oh oh
Uh hun yeah
Oh oh Oh oh
Uh hun yeah

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